Old Friends and Bookends

Okay, so for last, oh eight months or so I have apparently had a seriously big chip on my shoulder, or something. Because I am have been so stinking grumpy a good deal of the time and all around not pleasant to be around quite often. Awful, and horrible. And the worst thing is that I knew how stupid I was being and half the time I must not have cared and the other half of the time I could not figure out why, or how in the world to change things.
Now, I am making no promises that I am completely over this strange and most annoying phase, but today I may have been looking at things the right way. I think that one of my biggest problems has been that I've been focusing a lot of things I regret about the past. Things I wish I'd done, or done differently, or hadn't done. Things I wish other people had done differently, things I wish I'd done with my life and didn't. And so on and so forth. You'd think I would have learned by now to let the past be the past and not ruin your present and future. Apparently I hadn't.

But lately, I've been thinking a lot about the past in a better light. Mainly highschool, but today just the past and general, and mostly about old friends. I'm not entirely sure about what brought it on, but my suspicion is that all the mission homecomings and marriages have brought it on. Whatever the cause though, I'm grateful for it, because my new direction of thoughts may be just what I needed.

Because this morning while at work(btw, this is my last week working at 5am, yay!) I was thinking about things and being happy, instead of grumpy, and that's been a rare thing lately. And this morning, I realized something. Sure, there are things about my past that I wish would have been different, but all in all, I have a lot of good memories. I've had many good friends, an amazing family, and really no more challenges than the average Joe, or Jane as it may be. So today I've been recalling a lot of the good things, and wishing that I did that more. Things like card games at Kelcey's in 6th grade, lunches studying AP History with Amanda during our Jr. year, the sleepover at Marlee's when we kept seeing creepy shapes in the tree branches over the trampoline, or the day my freshmen roommates and I took pictures with the windows rolled down and our hair everywhere. I seriously could have a never ending list of happy memories if I thought long enough, but those specific memories aren't the point. The point is that as much as I've forgotten the fact over the last few months, I have had a wonderful life. Sure it may not seem exciting compared to some, but I have had a blessed life because of the people that I've associated with during it. Amazing friends, a loving family, great teachers and leaders. Sure, sometimes time can change relationships and they dissolve or end badly, but that's not really a good reason to ignore the good memories or forget how my life was changed for the better by that person.

And let me tell you, these thoughts were just what I needed. Because being in that better mood has helped me remember other fun things. Like how I've always compared songs to my life, or more often than not a book I've read. Remembering that today made me smile. I am so silly and was so silly when it comes to books. With reading so much for college, I've actually lost some of my zeal for reading for pleasure, and it's like I've lost a part of me. However, I've found a couple of really good books and series this summer that reminded me of how much joy I used to find in a good book, and it's been a great feeling. I still can't read for the long periods that I used to be able to do, but I do feel like I'm finding that part of me again.

And maybe, that part of me can help make reading for homework better this semester. It should also help that I'm finally done with the lower level classes and really got to choose my specific class topics. And I am quite excited about the classes I'm taking. Classes about Fiction Editing, American Novels, LDS Literature, American Folklore, and Edgar Allen Poe. Sound great, don't they? No wonder I'm excited.

One thing I'm not excited about is all the books I had to buy for those fun classes. If my estimates are correct I've spend somewhere around 250, and I most likely won't get it back from salebacks at the end of the semester, because I'll want to keep a lot of the books. Thank goodness for the Pell grant I'm eligible for now that I'm married! One more reason to love having Jacob in my life. :)