This weekend was my stake's Relief Society Super-Saturday activity. I learned how to do some new crafts, and now I am being taken over by a desire to be crafty, crafty, and more crafty. I want a real house I can decorate. I want more money to buy decorations with. And to buy crafting supplies with. And I want the time and knowledge and skills to make every cute crafty thing that I think I like in the whole world!

I need someone to remind me how to crochet, and then teach me more than the basics so I can make cool things, like hats and headbands and scarfs and blankets and lots more.

When all of the flower type things first became fashionable, I thought they were ridiculous. I made fun of all of you who wore them. But now, I like them. A lot. Possible simply because I want to be fashionable. But who cares why, I just do. And I learned how to make some yesterday. And I want to learn how to make more and just make make make them.

And I wish I could sew better. And that I had a sewing machine. But possibly that latter wish should come first.

And I want more beads and chains and necklace supplies! And more ideas, and more colors. Currently I'm working on a necklace that's mostly blacks and whites and silverish. But I want to make a purple necklace really badly. And a red one too. I wish that beads weren't so expensive. However, I did buy three necklaces for a dollar each from Honks. I took them apart. Eventually I'm going to use the beads to make necklaces I like better. And maybe one day I'll actually make a post full or pictures of the jewelry I've made. I've made at least 5 necklaces now and altered at least one. And usually I make earrings and/or a bracelet to match.

AHH! I just want to craft! I think I'm going to have a girl's/crafting/chick flick day or night in a week or two. So if you by chance want to come and perhaps share some crafting skills and gain some others, let me know. And, if you just want to teach me how to do something, that's always cool too. :)

I'm getting craft giddy now. I better stop. And besides, I have a necklace to work on! Craft on!

Just Give Me Back My Pieces

Today I was reading my one of my really really boring text books for my Visual Rhetoric class (which I hate, btw) when I came across a true gem in a sea of boring information. In a journal-type example of visual rhetoric from some artist named Sabrina Ward Harrison I read these words in reference to a conversation she had with her grandmother:

"She said I should take care of the pain I am feeling. the same way I should take care of the scrap[e] on my knee. She said, Give it air, and sun. Don't pick at it. Let it heal."

Those words really made me start thinking, a lot. About how often I haven't taken care of my emotional pain the way I would a physical pain. So many times in my life I have felt that I wasn't loved, that I wasn't good enough to love, and have had things happen to me that I felt proved that feeling. Feelings and events and thoughts that have brought so much pain. And I have been horrible at giving my emotions air, and sun. At not picking at them, at letting them heal. For a long time, and even still, I've focused on the bad things that have happened to me, on my negative thoughts and feelings, and by dwelling on them, by "picking at them" I never allowed myself to heal. It took me many, many years to realize that I was still in so much pain in large part because I would not let myself move on. In fact, letting go is still a slow process, like breaking out of a shell because I have to give up my habit of holding on. But it's a process that is slowly working.

Strangely enough, shortly after I read this, my ipod played the song "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson, which is all about wanting to put broken pieces of a heart back together and be okay again. This song expressed what I have felt so many times. Wanting to be okay, but now knowing where my pieces have gone so that I can put them back together.

But something I've realized lately, is that maybe I don't need all of those pieced. Maybe it's time that I learn over again how to become a person, how to mold a personality, a character. Maybe I need to figure out again how to be Lydia. But not the old Lydia. A new Lydia, a better Lydia, a happier and healed Lydia. Sometimes I think I'm getting there. For a long time I would complain to Jacob that I had nothing that was "mine," nothing that was "me." But I think I realized you can't just go about your life hoping you can find those things, I realized you have to search for them. You have to look at something and decide, I want that to be a part of my life, to be a part of me. I want to make that change. Lately I've had this desire to be crafty. Maybe I feel like I'll fit in with the wives in Provo if I am. But even if that was my first motivation, it doesn't matter, because I've discovered at least one thing that I'm beginning to make mine. I love my latest experiments with making my own jewelry. I'm starting to feel more confident in my abilities to create something beautiful, and I'm starting to feel more confident about myself in general.

And it's a wonderful feeling, because that confidence is real. So often I've lied to myself and said I felt confident. But that was just to hide from my insecurities. And sometimes I still do. But I think finally I've begun to find my own special way of building confidence. I think for the first time in a long time I'm remembering how to love myself completely, and to do so just because I'm me, not because someone else sees worth in me, or because I've accomplished something big. No, just because I'm Lydia, and I'm doing my best to be my best in this life. I think I'm finally beginning to realize that I hold the pieces to creating the best Lydia, me, not anybody else. And it doesn't matter what they say or think, as long I, and the Father, am happy with what the end result is.

I still have a long way to go, and I still have some scars that need healing. But today, I'm feeling hope. I'm still terrified about the changes the future holds for me. Terrified about graduating, about having to find a real job, about failing to do so because I may not have enough experience on my resume. But right now, I'm okay with that. I'm okay because I know that I, Lydia, will be able to make it through, as long as I know who I am. And I think I've finally began to do just that.

Our bad Car luck

So, Jacob and I bought a new car. It's pretty, and newer than our 91 Geo, and not falling apart, so we liked it. Supposedly. But then this weekend happened, and I and the new car were NOT friends. But it's okay now, I think we're friends again. Here is our story, and some other car adventures thrown in.

So, we bought the car knowing that it needed some repair, mainly a couple of new tires and the alignment fixed. So we decided we would head up to my parents for part of the weekend and go to my dad's trusty mechanic in Layton. Well, I guess we should have had a warning when we had to get the car jump started before we left. We weren't too worried though because we knew that might be the case since the car had been sitting around for a few months before we bought it. So we got on our way, hoping that the 1/4 of a tank of gas we had left would get us all the way, because if we stopped the battery would die. To our surprise and horror though the car died just before we would have passed the Alpine/Highland exit, so we pulled over(luckily we were able to make it to the exit ramp, so we weren't off the main highway).

We called my dad and then waited in our cold car for about an hour until he and my mom pulled up in the truck. At that point we hooked up our car to the truck and my dad towed us all the way to the mechanic shop in Layton. Jacob had to sit back in our car with not heat and not lights to control the steering wheel and hit the break when we needed to slow down. Needless to say, it was probably the longest drive up he's ever experienced. I got to sit in the nice warm truck and chat with my mom, and I certainly love Jacob for being willing to let me do so while he had to deal with the nerve-wracking job of keeping our car where it needed to be. However, we made it safely to Layton and even did so without getting pulled over, which was pretty lucky considering the fact that my dad shouldn't have been towing our car that far without it's own lights.

After we dropped the car and key off at the mechanics for them to work on it in the morning, we went out to dinner and my dad jokingly said maybe our gas gauge reads wrong and we had really just ran out of gas. We all laughed and figured that couldn't be the case but that it had to least been the battery dying again. Well, when the shop called in the morning it turned out my dad was right, our gauge was wrong and we had ran out of gas! If we'd had enough gas we maybe could have made it up to my parents, but possibly not because our battery also needed to be replaced, and we needed more oil. But after we got all that fixed, and some new tires, and the alignment fixed, and we paid 440 bucks, everything was good! And we made it safely back to Provo. However, we do still need to replace one sensor before we can get the car inspected and registered, and maybe then I'll post a pic or two .

That wasn't all though. Apparently when Jacob and I have car troubles it's contagious because while we were up there we also discovered my mom's car had a flat tire and my dad had to get that replaced. When we left we promised my dad no more car troubles, but he called us last night to inform us that we were in big toruble because when my mom tried to leave for church yesterday the battery in her car was dead. But hey, they say bad things come in 3's. So we should be fine now, right?

Catch Up

Wow, I have been such a slacker when it comes to blogging lately. Shame on me. I'll try to do better, but I make no promises. For now, I'll just try to briefly catch you up on my life.

Jacob and I went to the Scarlet Pimpernel and it was amazing! Thanksgiving break was good as always, though I think I literally gained 5-10 pounds that weekend. Jacob and I got to enjoy TWO Thanksgiving Dinners, one on Thursday and one on Friday, and if that wasn't enough food, on Wednesday Jacob's family took us out for my birthday dinner, and on Saturday my parents did the same thing. So much food! But I felt so blessed that we can spend time with both of our families.

The same thing went for Christmas Break. We spent a few days with Jacob's family, and then a few days with my family and I really am so glad that unlike many couples at BYU we don't have to pick who we're going to see that year for Christmas. This year we spent the actual holiday with my family and it was so wonderful to be there again for Christmas Eve, Morning, and Day. I love traditions and although I enjoyed last year with Jacob's family, it just felt right to be back with my family this year, and playing games with all of us there was a lot of fun.

On another note, I've started making more of my own jewelry lately, which has been a lot of fun. I've meant to post some pictures here, but I haven't. Maybe I'll get around to it eventually. This means that for Christmas I got some supplies for jewelry making, but most special was the pendant that Jacob made for me. It's a beautiful dark wood that he worked on in his dad's wood shop, and I look forward to making a necklace with it.

Our New Year's Eve was a fun evening spent with our friends Jesse and Catherine. It also included an adventure. Jacob and I decided it was a perfect opportunity to pull out the Fondue Pot we got for our wedding. We were just going to use the cheese packet that came with it (don't worry we checked the date, it was still good) until I checked out the ingredients after Jacob had already put it on the stove to warm. Lo and behold, it had two alcoholic ingredients in it. So, we had to scratch that plan and quickly find a non-alcoholic cheese fondue recipe to use. Luckily we already had some Swiss Cheese on hand and didn't have to run to the store. After that was taken care of though, we enjoyed a fun and relaxing evening with Jesse and Catherine while eating good food, playing Cribbage(thanks to Jacob's dad for teaching us and giving us a Cribbage board) and watching How to Train Your Dragon. All in all, it was a great evening.

In last minute news, Jacob and I bought a new car, I got an internship for this semester, and Jacob and I started our last semester at BYU. We both graduate in April! And also, my best friend Sara K. G. is finally back in good old Provo which makes me so happy!

The End.