A Year of Tender Mercies and Updates on Sir Samuel

Sometimes I can hardly believe it's been a year since we found out we were finally pregnant and other times it seems like much longer. Either way, it's been a year full of many blessings and tender mercies and joy.
Waiting for a baby was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and I feel like the Lord has blessed me with a lot of tender mercies to help make up for that. (I know that may not be how God works, but it's how I feel.) I honestly had a fairly easy pregnancy with no complications and really not that much discomfort compared to a lot of people I know. And while I ended up getting a C-section, I really feel like my labor went pretty well. And Samuel is of course perfect. I'm so glad he has been healthy and strong from day one.
And I know I've stressed a lot about his breastfeeding, but really I've had it pretty easy. He's always gotten enough milk to keep growing well, and I haven't had to deal with anything like thrush or mastitis or even being very sore at all. And I've never really needed to be concerned about my supply. And Samuel is really a relatively easy and happy baby, as much as I sometimes stress about how much sleep he's getting, etc. So, you see, I feel like the Lord has been blessing us with little tender mercies all along the way because He loves us so much.

And now for an update on our little man:

Samuel is now 4 and a half months old. At his 4 month check up he weighed an ounce shy of 14 lbs, and I'm sure he's grown a little since then. While he can still technically fit in a lot of his 0-3 month clothes, we've started putting him in the 3-6 month clothes now that he's big enough that they won't drown him. At his appointment the pediatrician admired Samuel's "slits for wrists" and thunder thighs in the making. And of course we all love those cheeks of his. The 4 month shots definitely hit him harder than the 2 month ones did and he had a rough couple of days but bounced back in time to weather Thanksgiving festivities pretty well.
For a while he had figured out sleeping through the night, but he seems to have forgotten how. We try to put him down between 7 and 8, and he wakes up around 5am most mornings for a feed and then will go back to sleep until 7 or 8ish. I know that's still pretty good as far as nights go, so I try not to complain. But I miss that week when he slept straight through til 7:30. However, he still hasn't figured out how to consolidate his daytime sleep, so he takes about four or five 30 or 40 minute naps through the day because he can only stay awake about an hour and half before getting sleepy again. This means I feel like I never have time to get anything done during the day, but we make it work for now. Sometimes I feel like I should push for more of a routine and actually doing some sleep training, but I think I'll wait until after Christmas at least, since the days away from home will probably throw him off anyway.
He's still eating ever 2-2.5 hours most of the time during the day, probably because he doesn't eat most of the night long, so he's storing up during the day. He's a good eater, though sometimes his reflux does make it rough. And he isn't actually a big fan of being burped. The one issue he does have is that he's currently not interested in ever taking a bottle for us. Since I'm usually home, that's not a huge deal. But I'd like to know he can take a bottle when we need a babysitter. I've been meaning to offer a bottle more often so he can get used to them, but I haven't been very good at giving him one because it's so much easier to just feed him normally. I also know that some babies are picky about bottles, and I really don't want to have to go through a bunch of different kinds to find one he likes, so I've been putting it off for that reason too. And we still haven't started him on solids yet; we'll probably do that at six months. Especially since there doesn't seem to be any sign of teeth yet.
His most exciting development lately is learning to roll from his back to his belly. Of course, he seems to be better at that than rolling from his belly to his back, so he gets himself stuck and then gets frustrated. (It's a little  amusing to me.) He's also a lot more interested in grabbing at things, especially faces, and he loves it when we pretend to eat his hands or his feet. He blows raspberries all the time and ends up with a face covered in spit/drool. He's also more vocal, though still not really making any actually syllables/recognizable sounds most of the time. Though he did seem to say "hi-yah" the other day, which really got a laugh out of us. He hasn't really learned to giggle yet, but he does often give us a little "heh" when sometimes is funny or makes him really happy. And he still has the best smiles and big grins ever. He's also doing pretty great at sitting with support, and is starting to try to sit up sometimes when he's laying down. (I'm pretty sure his abs are getting stronger than mine at this point.)
Basically he's the best ever and just learning and growing so fast.

Samuel Snippets

Samuel will be 15 weeks old tomorrow. So, I thought it was time for another update for you all:

 As he approached the 3 month mark, he suddenly decided to be a normal baby and actually start having fussy periods that weren't based on being hungry and needing a lot more attention when it's time to get to sleep. He also decided to start eating faster and to sometimes only want to nurse on one side. All that combined to make his mom and dad feel pretty confused and tired and frustrated. And I of course spent more time again worrying about whether he was getting enough food. But now that we've accepted it as the new normal, it's not so bad. I think I'm starting to understand that he's always going to be surprising us with new normals and I need to learn how to roll with it.

As I mentioned, Samuel started needing more attention when going down for the night and naps. I don't know if moving him to his crib caused that or if it's just a coincidence, but either way, I'm pretty happy that we made the change. I think it was easier than it would have been if we'd waited longer and he got more used to being in our room. While it can sometimes be frustrating that he doesn't go down as easily, it does mean I get more quiet time just singing to him and rocking. He's not the most cuddly of babies; he loves to hold himself up to look around when he's facing my chest, so I do appreciate when he's sleepier and just content to be in my arms and looking at my face. In those moments, I'm often reminded of just how long I waited to have them, and that makes the hard nights when I just want him to get to sleep a little bit easier.

He rolls over more of the time now, but still not every time. And he's more likely to roll right than left. And it's only from his tummy to his back; so far it doesn't seem like he'll be rolling from his back all the way to his tummy anytime soon, though he does sometimes turn on his side. But once again, only one side. In fact, if I turn him on the other side, he wont' stay on it. But Jacob being the observant guy he is has a theory about that being because Samuel needs his swiping arm free.

What do I mean by his swiping arm? While Samuel does use both arms/hands for all purposes, he's displayed a very clear preference. The right arm/hand is for shoving in his mouth and sucking on (and gagging himself, unfortunately), while the left arm/hand is for swiping at and grabbing things, and also wapping daddy in the face apparently. We find this clear preference amusing, and I think it will be interesting to see if this might be an indication of his handedness. (Jacob is left-handed, or at least he writes with his left hand; he does to a lot of other things with his right.) We're also just excited that he's hitting the milestone of swiping at things and grabbing them. It really is so awesome to watch these developments in him.

He's been adding more sounds to his vocabulary, and he and I have nice back and forth exchanges and chats quite often. He even has the beginnings of a laugh, and I can't wait for it to develop more. His smile continues to be adorable, and I feel like he's even developing different smiles for different situations. We get some of his biggest smiles when we play his latest favorite game, which consists of us slowly getting our face closer to his until our nose meets his, accompanied by the right sound of course.

He loves it when we hold him up to sit and stand and is even getting pretty decent at sitting up on his own if he has support behind his back, so we're pretty proud of him for that. In fact, sometimes he gets pretty frustrated when he's laying down and can't sit up on his own to see what's going on, hard as he tries.

His reflux has been bothering him more lately, so we took him to the doctor to increase his meds and hope that it will help. He's still growing, but he hadn't gained quite as much weight as we expected or even as much as our scale at home indicated. Of course, weighing him with me on our regular scale isn't the most accurate. I'm hoping when we go in for his 4 month appointment in a couple weeks he'll be back on track, but even if his percentage stays a little lower than it was, that's okay too. He's still had plenty of wet diapers, so I try not to be too concerned.

He's starting to take slightly longer naps, but since he can still only last two hours top between naps, his day is full of more frequent, shorter naps. At first I worried about that, but I do think he's getting enough sleep, just in smaller bits. He now takes most of his naps up in his crib, so I do feel like I can do more of my own thing down here during them, and that's nice. He still sleeps better when he's swaddled, but only his legs. From a very early age he didn't like having his arms swaddled in tight, and that hasn't changed. In fact, we discovered early on that if we swaddled both arms he was extremely restless until he got one free, so we started leaving at least one free on purpose. Generally you can find him sleeping with both arms thrown up on either side of his head. And at night when he's not swaddled, he often has his legs kind of splayed too. And it's so cute. Just like pretty much everything else he does.

Anyway, I think he's waking up from his nap now, so I hope that was a nice little update for you. At the very least, I'm glad blog posts give me a way to keep a record for myself.

Life with Samuel

This post is the result of two things: I’ve been meaning to post a blog post or two about the first couple months of Samuel’s life and just haven’t gotten around to it, and one of Jacob’s cousins asked on FB today for people to explain why they love parenthood because she often hears a lot more about how it’s hard without an explanation of why “it’s worth it.” So, I got thinking about my experience with parenting so far. I decided that to let you know about our last two months and to address the parenting is hard but worth it issue, I’d give you this post, which is just going to be a list of some of my thoughts and observations in the last two months.

First, Samuel is really a comparatively easy baby, especially during the first few weeks, so we’ve been super blessed. He slept really great and still is a pretty decent sleeper, and best of all, he doesn’t insist on being rocked to sleep. Though he does often sleep better/longer when one of us is holding him.

He has the most adorable sneezes ever. Okay, really, I basically think all of his sounds are the cutest thing ever. Even his cries are kind of cute. Right now he seems to be thinking about developing a laugh, which I can’t wait for.

I have super mixed feelings about breastfeeding. In some ways it has been easy for us, though we do have some challenges. My milk came in pretty well, which I’m super grateful for. But, we were dealing with Samuel’s tongue-tie for a bit, which complicated things. He could latch okay and got what he needed, but he had to work super hard and it exhausted him. Feeding him was an exercise in keeping him awake and required me to be constantly rubbing his hand, tapping his chin, etc. He’s mostly moved past that, though nursing does often make him sleepy still, but that did make feedings a lot easier for me. Although, this week he’s been kind of fussy on one side and refusing to take from it half the time, so that’s frustrating.  

Also, everyone talks about breastfeeding and how it’s the totally awesome bonding experience, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't’ always feel that way about it. I love the time with Samuel, I do, but I also find it really boring sometimes. And I say that even though he’s always been a relatively quick eater. And night feedings, they’re kind of the worst. I don’t do well with a lack of sleep, so that’s been a struggle. Luckily, Samuel is super awesome and has been giving us a 4-5 hour stretch after his last evening feeding for a couple of weeks now, at least most of the time. Plus, these days he’ll give me sleepy smiles, which makes those night feedings a little easier.

Also, dealing with the leaking is the worst. This may be TMI, but I hate having to wear a bra at night just so my pads can be held in the right location so I don’t leave milk stains all over our sheets. (Though the leaking seems to be getting less. I’m hoping it’ll be gone completely one of these days.) And I have some issues with over-supply, so sometimes while I’m trying to feed Samuel he’ll pull off because it’s too much and then there is milk spraying everywhere. This is equal parts entertaining and frustrating. And the idea of breastfeeding in public doesn’t really appeal to me (perhaps because of the spraying milk thing). I’ve nursed him at the homes of family members, but I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable doing it in public places. I don’t have an issue with people who do it, but for me, I think it’ll mostly be easier for me to have a pumped bottle ready to take with us when possible. But maybe I’ll feel more comfortable with it when he stays latched better, etc, so we’ll just wait and see. Also, breastfeeding makes me constantly hungry. I want to eat all the time.

Being a stay at home mom is lonely a good deal of the time. Sometimes I feel so trapped. Though this is partially my fault because we only have one car and I’m not willing to get up and going early enough to take Jacob to work in the morning. But it’s hard knowing that all day long I have to constantly be there for Samuel without any relief. It’s especially hard right now when he has such limited interactions in return. Sometimes I find it beyond boring, but I get bored easily. I also miss having more time for my own things. I miss reading as much, or knowing that I have an uninterrupted block of time to work on missions or dungeons or something in Guild Wars 2. Or time to write a blog post (I’ve already been interrupted twice)

But, even though during most days I totally wish I could hand him off to someone else for a while, I’ve found that on days when we’re around family and other people do take over for a while and I haven’t held him as much, I miss him. I miss his adorable smile and sweet little coos.

Speaking of which, when he started smiling and cooing, it was the best thing ever. And it just keeps getting better, watching him learn and grow. For example, he rolled over for the first time on the day he was two months old! He doesn’t do it all the time, but he has rolled over a total of six times. And most babies don’t roll over until they’re at least three months old according to everything we’ve read, so we’re pretty proud of our boy. It probably helped that he loves to do pushups on my chest when I’m trying to burp him. He’s also doing awesome at holding his head more steady, and sometimes he’ll stand on his feet while I help hold him up.

It’s so much fun watching his little personality develop and learning things about him. Like the fact that he finds something about our couch super fascinating and comforting. Or at least he did; he seems to be growing out of it. He loves mirrors and can stare at them for a long time. Sometimes he needs his binky to stay calm and other times he totally refuses it. For some reason he only recognizes Jacob and smiles at him from specific angles. He hated his first couple of baths but now he just chills during them. Same with diaper changes. So far he doesn’t seem super interested in the toys hanging from his playmat most of the time and only hits them with accidental arm flailing. Though every once in while it seems more purposeful. And he seems to have a pretty pleasant disposition because he’ll still give us smiles even when we know he’s uncomfortable with gas or reflux.

He’s already weathered his first cold. It broke my heart to hear him dealing with a stuffy nose and sore throat, but he was still pretty easy through it. He has a belly button hernia (didn’t even know that was a thing before this), but it seems a little smaller to me the last day or two, so hopefully it’ll go away soon. It makes amusing squishy noises when you push on it, and it doesn’t seem to bother him any though, so if it sticks around for a while we’ll be okay with that too.

I know everybody always says to enjoy the moment because they grow up too fast. And the last couple of months have gone by super quickly. But, I’m still super looking forward to the future. I can’t wait until he learns his first word or learns to crawl. We waited so long to have him here that I try to treasure every good moment, but that waiting also included looking forward to his toddler days and beyond.

And yes, there are hard days and moments. And I’m sure it gets even harder as you have more kids and they get older. But it really is worth it. The pure love I feel for him and from him is beyond description. Watching Jacob with Samuel has increased my love for him because it’s the sweetest thing ever. Watching extended family and friends share in our joy as they shared in our pain has also been beautiful. I’ve never been more exhausted or worried or stressed. But I’ve also never felt more love or peace or joy.

Anyway, I know these thoughts are super unorganized, but I hope they give you a glimpse into our last two months. I’m sure there are things I meant to tell you about that I forgot, but that’s what happens when you keep getting interrupted by the cutest little boy ever.

Samuel's Birth Story

I know that when I had Samuel I gave a brief explanation of how the birth went on Facebook, but I want to try and have a more detailed recording of it somewhere and thought some people might be interested in it as well, so here you go. (As a warning, I'm not going to be shy about what was going on, so be prepared for mentions of strange things a body in labor does, etc.)

On July 18 I had my usual 38 week appointment with my OB. At that point Samuel still hadn't dropped at all, and Dr. Harward warned me that might mean he wasn't going to fit through my pelvis and a c-section might be necessary. While I knew he could be right, I really hoped Samuel was just being stubborn and left my appointment totally expecting to wait a week or two more to meet our boy. Luckily, I also spent some time that day buying a couple of items I needed for my hospital bad and getting it mostly ready to go.

Fast forward to 9:30ish that evening, and as I stood up to use the restroom, I felt a small trickle of liquid down my leg. Now, I knew that could potentially mean my water had broken, but I also knew that sometimes excessive discharge is normal in the late stages of a pregnancy, and since it wasn't much, I told myself that was all it was. I really didn't feel ready for Samuel to come yet, so I may have been a bit in denial. But just in case, I started looking up all kinds of forum posts about how to tell the difference between water breaking and just discharge. Meanwhile, that trickle of liquid wasn't going away and was actually getting worse, so by 11ish, I admitted that my water had probably broken and we needed to go to the hospital.

(As a note here, I really did not understand what happens when your water breaks! In the movie sand TV shows, they kind of make it seem like it's one big rush of liquid and done. But in my experience, it started with that very small trickle that just kept growing into bigger trickles every time I moved until it was basically a small rush every time I moved. For hours. It's funny how they get the portrayal of birth so wrong in entertainment and also kind of annoying since it gives people false expectations.)

We got to the hospital at 11 something and they got me checked in. They confirmed that my water had indeed broken and I was actually having contractions, they just weren't super powerful at that point, and they seemed to maybe be slowing down as well.

So, around 2am they started me on Pitocin to help get my contractions going stronger and really get labor underway. They really don't like to let you go longer than 24 hours after you water is broken because of the chance for infection, which is why they used Pitocin to help me along. The time I was in labor kind of all blurs together for me, but I know Jacob and I both tried to get some sleep at this point and that I didn't really start feeling the contractions for a couple of hours.

As for how contractions were for me and how I dealt with them, I'm a little amused with myself. I kept refusing to get an epidural because my brain was classifying the pressure I was feeling as something separate from actual pain, because frankly I often feel like pressure isn't in the same class as pain of other kinds for me. And what I felt was definitely more pressure than anything. What it reminded me of most was when you have to go to the bathroom really badly but you've held it for so long it starts feeling really uncomfortable. But multiplied by like 10. But, it probably didn't help that the idea of an epidural kind of freaked me out. However, Jacob finally talked me into getting an epidural around 9 or 10am because he could tell I was in real pain even if I didn't seem to understand that.

My sister Sarah showed up just before they did my epidural, and at the time Jacob was actually trying to catch some more sleep, so she let me crush her hand as they gave me my epidural. Getting it wasn't the most pleasant experience, but I certainly was grateful once it started working. She then stayed for most of the day while I was in labor because she's totally awesome like that. Her support meant a lot to both me and Jacob, and I'm so grateful that she had just moved back to Utah and is so close to us now.

So, I labored pretty much all day long, progressing pretty slowly, but still progressing. To help me along they had me use something called a peanut ball (I think), which was shaped like a peanut and went between my legs while I was on my side, and it did seem to help, even if my progress was slow. at one point Samuel's heart rate got a little worrisome, so I was on oxygen from there on out, but it calmed down again and he was fine. Because I was progressing, Dr Harward let me continue to labor, but I still knew we might end up with a c-section.

As it got later in the day, I did eventually progress until I was dilated to a 9. But, even with all those contractions, Samuel still hadn't dropped. So, at that point, as I got closer to hitting 24 hours after my water broke, Dr. Harward told me it was time to start thinking about taking other steps. Jacob and I talked it over, and we decided to move ahead with a c-section.

The doctors, nurses and anesthesiologist were all wonderful and took great care of me during the c-section, which went very well. And it turns out we made the right decision, because when they got in there to pull him out, poor Samuel's head was pressed right up against my pelvis, which was too small for his head to fit through. He didn't cry a lot, and it was pretty quiet at first, so I was actually slightly worried about him. But then he got his lungs going and made sure we knew he'd arrived. Jacob was able to be with Samuel as they took his vitals, etc, and then brought him over for me to see while they worked on stitching me up.  He was born at 7:13pm on July 19th and he weighed 7 lb 4 oz and was 20.5 inches long. And by the time he arrived, my parents had come down to meet their newest grandchild and see how I was doing, so we enjoyed some time with them after they got me settled and brought Samuel in for our first skin-to-skin. It had been a very long day, but it was so worth it to have our little miracle finally in my arms.

So, there you have the facts of the experience. But I also have a couple of my thoughts I want to make note of: 1. Epidurals are totally worth it. 2. My OB, Kory Harward, was wonderful. He took great care of me and was completely honest with me about how my labor was going and what I could expect. And most of all, I never felt pressured by him to get a c-section, but he did help me understand why it was the best option. I especially appreciated that he let me labor for a while because it was what I wanted to do even though he knew that we'd probably end up doing a c-section anyway. I'd totally recommend him to anyone looking for an OB. And the nurses were also wonderful, so I'd totally also recommend the Orem Community Hospital as well. 3. Having a support system is the best, and I am extremely grateful for Jacob and my sister for being there for me during labor. 4. Next time, if I have a c-secion again, I want to ask them to let me hold the baby sooner, as they're stitching me up. I'm pretty sure they would have let me, but I honestly didn't think to ask for it, so I didn't hold Samuel until I was stitched up and back in my room. Except for that, I really was quite satisfied with how my labor went, even if it was long and ended with a c-section.

In the future, watch for a post or two on how things have been since Samuel's arrival. I promise I will write one, I just don't know when I'll get around to it.

Lessons From My Infertility Experience

I've been taught, and I believe, that trials are important because we learn and grow from them. Today I had a couple of things occur that made me grateful for some of the ways our experience with infertility helped me grow, and I thought I might share them with you.

 1. I met my new visiting teachers today, and as chance would have it, one of them has also struggled with infertility. In fact, I'd say her experiences with it sound much worse than my own, especially since she's still dealing with it. And I realized that our own experience gave me two very valuable gifts. I am now much more aware of just how prevalent infertility is, and I can now understand, relate to and support those in the infertility community in a way you never can unless you've been there in those shoes. I'm sure that this will play a role in future relationships in my life and create opportunities for friendships that might not have been there otherwise.

 2. I've had a couple of compliments lately on my ability to be honest and sincere in my communications and my willingness to be open about my trials. I like to think that I was this way to some extent before dealing with infertility, but I do know that my experience with infertility made me more aware of why I want to be that way and less afraid of it. I learned that talking about your trials doesn't mean your weak but that you're willing to trust others to be able to help you. I learned that it is good to be honest about the fact that you're not doing okay. Unfortunately, there may be people who will judge you and think you should be stronger. But I promise you that there will be even more people who are grateful that you are willing to share with them what is really going on so that they can try and find some way to support you and help lift your burdens. And just knowing how many people care about you and are praying for you goes a long way to making your burdens feel lighter. But if they don't know you need that support, they can't offer it. And that is something I really hope I always remember as we face whatever trials the future holds for us.

Infertility isn't easy, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, I do know that it also brought blessings and learning experiences to my life, and I'm grateful that I've been given the ability to recognize them.

Everyone faces trials, whether they're seen or unseen. So if you're dealing with something right now, (and let's be honest, you probably are, even if it's just something small), I want to bear my testimony to you that one day, somehow, there will be blessings that come from it. And if you need someone to talk to,  a shoulder to cry on, or just some extra prayers on your behalf in the meantime, please know that I'm here. So many of you were there for me while we dealt with infertility, even if was just by keeping me in your prayers, and I would be honored to have the chance to return the favor.

35 Weeks Update

So, I had my 35 week appointment today. I can hardly believe we're this far already and that Samuel will probably be here in just a little over a month! I figured things will be changing and progressing fast enough now that I might as well give you an update on how my third trimester has been so far, and we'll hope that you get at least one more update before he's actually here.

I actually feel pretty blessed with how easy I feel like this pregnancy has been. I'm not saying that it's been perfect or that I've never felt crappy or uncomfortable, but I do know it could be a lot worse, and that pattern has continued.

I had some hip pain/sciatica issues early on, but they were never super bad, and they actually seem to have subsided a bit. My right leg doesn't get numb anymore after only lying on my right side or back for a couple of minutes, so that helped make nights a lot more bearable for a while. It was a nice break before my bladder and lower back decided to start making it much harder to sleep. However, while I do have some lower back pain, especially at night, even that hasn't been super bad and only started up in the past week. I'm sure it'll continue to get worse as Samuel gains a couple more pounds and settles lower, but I know some people start dealing with back pain much earlier in the pregnancy, so I won't complain too much.

The most annoying thing I have been dealing with during the past couple of weeks has definitely been having swollen feet. They're pretty much swollen 100% of the time these days and it's just a matter of just how swollen they are at any given time. They're pretty tender from being swollen and feel bruised even they just brush up against each other at night. (And word of advice, don't drop a water bottle right on your super swollen foot, it's not pleasant.) I've been living in flip flops for a couple weeks now, but even they get uncomfortable sometimes, so I'm barefoot as often as possible.

Beyond the feet, my biggest issue is probably lack of sleep, which is made even worse by the horrible heartburn I've been dealing with. Even the Pepcid my doctor okayed earlier on doesn't seem to make a different these days, and Tums hardly do anything. And of course, my bladder makes sleeping through the night pretty impossible. On a good night I can sometimes get some 2-3 hr periods of sleep, but on a lot of nights I'm up at least every hour to pee and then have to deal with trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again. It's made it extra hard to stay alert and focused at work. You know it's bad when you're already nodding off at your desk when you've only been working for about 30 minutes.

Which is why I'm super excited and relieved that I'm going to be done with my job this week! Thursday is going to be my last day at Boostability. And while I'm going to miss the totally awesome people I've worked with, I'm definitely ready to be done working in the office. I was planning on being able to do some at-home editing for them in the future, but they're working out some stuff with the at-home team right now, so I'm not 100% sure that'll happen anymore, so I guess we'll see. The job has really been a great experience for me though, and I feel pretty confident that if I feel the need to find some freelance editing work in the future I should be able to thanks to the solid experience I got in my 2+ years at Boost.

We're also finally starting to get the nursery set up. I haven't had much time to work on any cute decorations, etc, for it yet, but we do at least have a crib and changing table up. We still need to get a mattress crib; we're having a hard time knowing what brand to get. So if you have any recommendations, please do share. However, we plan to have him in our room in the playpen bassinet for at least the first few weeks probably, so I guess I don't need to stress about that quite yet. And once I stop working, I'll finally have some time to maybe work on a mobile or some paintings to put up.

I had two baby showers in May and got lots of cute clothes and other necessary supplies, which helped me feel much more prepared for Samuel's arrival, and Jacob and I have also had fun picking out some cute outfits ourselves. (Including the onesie we plan to bring him home in, which we're both a little obsessed with, especially Jacob, it's super cute.) I've still got some shopping left to do for essential items for Samuel, like bath towels and a few more burp rags, but we are getting there.

I also need to do some more shopping for me. Mostly for nursing supplies. Our insurance should pay for a breast pump for me, which is super nice, but I'm still not sure exactly what brand I want (or what they'll have available), and they like you to be within 30 days of your due date to get them, so that's still on my to-do list. I also probably need to go shopping for nursing bras sometime soon, but I'm totally dreading that and will try to put it off as long as possible. I've always been busty and finding bras in my size is never fun/easy, so I'm sure finding good nursing bras will be just as hard and torturous. I even looked up some articles on places with good plus-size nursing bras today and looked at some options online, but even some of the recommended sites didn't have bras in big enough sizes. Sigh. So, if any of you are bustier and have some good recommendations for me, I would totally appreciate it.

Jacob and I also attended a prenatal/birthing seminar last weekend. I feel like I have a better understanding of what all the birthing process will mean, but I'm still somewhat anxious about it. I totally don't feel the need to go natural and figure I'll probably want something to help with the pain, but for some reason the idea of an epidural kind of freaks me out. Mostly I know my own inability to stay still, and I get paranoid that I won't be able to hold still enough for them to give me one since they have to be very careful with where they put it, etc. But I'm guessing it's pretty normal to have some anxiety about the actual birth process, so I try not to feel like I'm being too silly to have my concerns. I figure that if I'm in enough pain to want an epidural, I won't be worried about it anymore and will totally be willing to hold still for however long they need.

So there's the general update for you. As far as my specific appointment today, it was mostly good news. Samuel is still doing well (and moving a lot) and growing on schedule to come on July 31st. He's a total stinker and has yet to give us a great view of his face during an ultrasound, but I can't be too annoyed with him because he looks so cute with his little arms crossed up there blocking the view. Unfortunately, my blood pressure was a little high today. Not high enough that they're super alarmed yet, but if it keeps creeping up at my next appointment or two, they may decide to have me deliver a little early. So we would definitely appreciate prayers that that won't be the case.

Second Trimester

Well, I mean to write this while I was still in the second trimester and things were fresh on my mind, but obviously that didn't happen. But, we'll see what I can remember to share with you.

First, the bad:
I think I may have thrown up more during the second trimester than I did during the first. I know that's kind of weird, but in my second trimester my mucus production started going out of control. (Sorry if that's gross to know.) It didn't help that I also had a bad cold. Anyway, the drainage and congestion in the back of my throat kept wreaking havoc with my overly active gag reflex, so that really didn't work well. And then, a lot of the time once I threw up because of the congestion, my stomach would decide that it was obviously supposed to be feeling nauseous and feel that way for the next while. It wasn't fun.

That was pretty much the worst part of the second trimester for me. Another thing I didn't like was worsening heartburn. I've always had bad heartburn that I was keeping under wraps with Omeprizole, but it's not the best to take when you're pregnant, so I stopped taking it. Anyway, eventually my heartburn just got too bad for me to handle with only Tums, so I talked to my OB about taking something and go approval to take the equivalent of Pepcid AC.

And finally, I started to feel more uncomfortable. But hey, that's par for the course. My least favorite discomfort was probably that I started to get numb in my right leg anytime I slept on my back or my right side. In fact, I think my sciatic nerve was even pinched off and on, because I had a couple of days where my leg felt half numb all day long. That was super annoying.

Now for the good stuff:
We found out the gender! I seriously was feeling like it would be a girl, so Samuel kind of surprised me a bit, but now I can't imagine it any other way. We had started to think just maybe it was a boy simply because we'd  been planning to name our first boy Andrew, but after I got pregnant that just didn't feel right. We figure that was Samuel telling us that he wasn't supposed to be an Andrew. But I still was really leaning towards it being a girl until the ultrasound proved otherwise. And my entire family was pretty darn surprised as well. But we're happy to be adding another boy to even out the numbers a bit on both sides of our family.

Speaking of ultrasounds, they were definitely a great part of the second trimester. Samuel didn't really want to cooperate and let them see everything at the appointment we had at 18 weeks, so I had another at 22 weeks. He still didn't cooperate then, so they sent me to a specialist a week or two later and I got to have another ultrasound with a better machine. Getting to see our little guy that much was super awesome.

But, my favorite part of the second trimester was definitely starting to feel Samuel move. It is the most amazing experience. Everyone kept saying that the first movements felt like little flutters and being poked from the inside, but that wasn't really my experience. What I very first felt was almost like someone had a fist inside my belly and was trying to massage it from the inside. It actually was a lot like what I started feeling again a couple of weeks ago as he got bigger. I guess another way people describe it is almost like a slithering? Anyway, I felt that for a few days, and then I had a couple of days where I didn't really feel anything. Of course I started to get paranoid that something was wrong, but then I started feeling the fluttering little movements every had told me about and knew it was all good. And that's probably part of why I love feeling him move; as long as I can feel him moving, I know he's still probably doing okay in there.

One funny little note about feeling him move: he really didn't want to cooperate to let Jacob feel him. In fact, even though he moves more now, he still doesn't like to cooperate. So, Jacob has only really felt him moving a couple of times, and it took a couple weeks for him to be able to feel it the first time. Samuel can seriously be moving all over the place for a couple of minutes, and then as soon as Jacob decides he wants to feel him move and puts his hand on my belly, Samuel calms right down until Jacob takes his hand away. I'm hoping Jacob just has a magical calming effect on him that will continue once he's out of the womb as well. Though, I did get Jacob to feel Samuel having the hiccups the other day while we were seeing a movie, and that was fun.

Another note about Samuel's movement habits: I've read a lot of things saying most babies move the most when their mom goes to bed at night and lies down. Samuel apparently wanted to be different though. He used to hardly ever move much when I went to bed. What made him move the most was when I'd sit back in my recliner reading.

Another favorite thing was that Jacob started asking more about how Samuel was doing, etc. It's not that he didn't care before, but I think he was always paranoid something would go wrong. The farther along I've gotten, the easier it's been for both of us to really believe that this is going to last. It also helped that I was actually feeling Samuel move and Jacob had something to ask about.

And...that's probably about all I have to say about the second trimester. I wish I had lots of fun stuff to tell you about getting a nursery set up, etc. But, that still hasn't really happened yet since we're still unpacking everything in our new place. But, I'm sure we'll get it all taken care of by the time Samuel comes.

First Trimester

If I had to give just one or two words to describe the first trimester, it would probably have to be happy disbelief. But really, even though I knew I was pregnant, most of the time I had to keep reminding myself that it was real, that we were finally, actually having a baby. 

Because I had been going to the fertility clinic before, even though I technically hadn't been doing a treatment, they were awesome and let me come in for a couple of early appointments/ultrasounds before I switched over to a regular OB. So I was lucky enough to see, hear, and get pictures of our baby at 6 weeks and 10 weeks with them, and then I had an appointment with a regular OB at 11 or 12 weeks, I can't remember exactly. It was such a blessing to get so many early appointments, because it did make it feel more real and helped me be slightly less paranoid about something going wrong. My favorite early ultrasound moment was probably when my fertility doctor compared our 10 week old baby to a perfect little gummy bear; short little arms and legs and big head. 

As far as first trimester "symptoms" go, I did have some nausea. For a couple of weeks I felt slightly nauseous almost constantly, which got annoying, but I only threw up a handful of times. So, it could have been a lot worse. Plus, I was more than happy to deal with the nausea I did have because I was finally pregnant. They did give me some meds to try and help with the nausea, but they made me feel so tired and out of it that I decided I'd rather deal with the nausea, so obviously it wasn't that bad. The biggest thing for me was probably how tired I was, all the time. Naps became a regular thing even though I'm not usually a nap person at all, and I often went to bed early as well. It wasn't unusual for Jacob to walk into the room and find me half asleep with my book open in my lap. I didn't have any food aversions or cravings, and my sense of smell only got a little overactive, so all in all, things weren't too bad for me. 

Perhaps the hardest thing for me about the first trimester was waiting to tell everyone. I found ways to talk Jacob into letting me tell certain people, always looking for an excuse to share the good news, but I understood why he felt we should wait. So I did. And it drove me crazy. I actually feel kind of bad for some of the people who did know (like my coworker Whitney) because I talked about the pregnancy with them all the time since they were the only people I could talk about it with. I think anyone has a hard time waiting to tell, but it was especially hard for me because I knew just how many people had been praying and hope and wishing right along with us that we'd be able to get pregnant. I really wanted all of you to know all your prayers had finally been answered. 

I knew pretty much from the moment I had the first pregnancy test that I wanted to use the scripture in 1 Samuel to announce our pregnancy on FB, so I had that post planned weeks and weeks in advance. I counted down weeks and then days, bugging Jacob all the time about only having to wait so much longer, and as soon as I hit that 12 weeks mark, I posted first thing in the morning. It was so exciting for me to finally let everybody in on our secret and share the joy. 

Telling Our Families

Okay, I know I promised months ago that you'd get more pregnancy updates. Sorry I've been so slow! I promise I'll try and do better. As promised, here is how we told our families:

The first family member we told was my sister, Sarah. Let's be honest, there was no way I was capable of waiting to tell her. So, she found out the day after I took the first pregnancy test. Jacob wanted me to wait until after we had a blood test to confirm, but when I found out she was having a horrible day, I knew I had the perfect way to cheer her up. After she actually understood that I was saying I'd taken a pregnancy test that was positive, I was little surprised when she said "Hold on, don't go anywhere" and disappeared from the other side of the phone. But when she came back on, she explained that she'd had to run downstairs where she could scream without waking her kids up. Then, since my sister knew, I sent my brother a text a few days later and also told him. I figured it wasn't fair for only one of my siblings to know.

After that, we waited until Christmas to tell the rest of our families. My parents spent this Christmas up in Washington with Sarah's family. So, before we video chatted with them on Christmas morning, we had them read an email from us that ended with "we can't wait until next Christmas when all 13 of us will be together." It was a very vague clue because as far as they knew, there were currently 12 people in the family. Since it was fairly vague, we had Matt on standby to say something like "wait, there are only 12 of us." My dad claims he was already starting to count in his head when Matt spoke up, but I guess we'll never know. Apparently my parents were too impatient to wait until we were going to video chat in a couple of minutes, because they both grabbed their phones to call me. Dad won out and (crying, as I totally called that he would) simply asked if it was true. After I talked briefly on the phone, we did eventually video chat and I was able to give them some more info on their coming grandchild.

Telling Jacob's parents was hilarious. Jacob was determined to be clever with our announcement but not just with something that was obviously an announcement and easy to figure out. So, we planned carefully. We spent Christmas with them and were there a couple of nights. The first night after they went to bed, we put a 64 oz bottle of Prego sauce on their counter for them to discover in the morning. They spent the entire next day coming up with crazy theories of where and who it had come from. They still didn't get it when they found their DVD player paused on the Pixar short about storks. However, they finally caught on when they found a hot dog bun in their oven. And we thoroughly enjoyed giving them a hard time about how long it took them to catch on.

I'm going to try to post more often, so next up, look for a post on how my first trimester went.

The Best Birthday Surprise Ever: Finding Out I Was Pregnant

I figured it was about time I get around to posting about finally finding out we're expecting, especially since I know so many of you have been following our infertility journey and praying and hoping right along with us. So here you go:

When you're trying to get pregnant as seriously as we were, you get super familiar with your monthly cycle. For months I'd been using an awesome app called Clue to track my cycle, and I'd been using it for long enough that it was pretty great at predicting when I was supposed to start my period. In fact, for the three months before, it had been spot on to the day. So, when it predicted that I was supposed to be starting my period on my birthday, I jokingly said it would be the best birthday present ever if that period just never came. I never expected that to actually happen.

In particular, I really didn't expect that to happen because we were still on our break from treatments. The only thing I was on was the Metformin, and that really wasn't expected to make a difference. I was actually supposed to be calling our fertility clinic to schedule a meeting with the doctor, but I'd been putting it off because we still weren't 100% sure we wanted to move on and try IVF. Because, dang, IVF treatments are expensive and really involved and a huge commitment. So, I told myself I'd worry about it after Thanksgiving.

But then, my birthday came, and my period didn't come with it. I knew that I'd had longer cycles in the past, so I tried really hard not to get my hopes up and just wait a couple of days. I didn't want to take a test and just have it turn out negative and break my heart. So, I waited 5 days and still didn't start my period, so I finally took a test.

I took it first thing in the morning. Jacob was still in the bedroom, but he could hear me when I started crying and thought that meant I had started my period. So I just walked into the bedroom, held the test up to him and said, nope, no period. Honestly, I don't think either of us could really believe it. So later that day, I took another test. It was positive too, so I started to believe it just a little bit more. And when the third test I took the next morning agreed, I got even more excited.

But it was such an unexpected miracle that Jacob and I both wanted to get a blood test to confirm the results before we really let ourselves be sure. It was the weekend, but even though I wasn't currently getting treatments, the fertility clinic made an appointment for me the next day as soon as I called them Monday morning. I went crazy all day Tuesday waiting for them to call with the results, but when they finally did call, it was all worth the wait. The blood test confirmed it; we were finally expecting a baby.

There are still days when it doesn't feel quite real, in spite of the ultrasounds I've had and the nausea and exhaustion and other fun symptoms. I still don't understand the Lord's plan and timing or why we had to wait this long. I really don't understand why we went through 3 months of treatments without any results, but I do trust that He loves us, and I am so grateful for our little miracle. It truly was the best birthday present I ever could have wished for, and we can't wait until August.

I'm also beyond grateful for all the love and support we've had on our infertility journey. For us, it's felt like forever, but I know there are so many who wait much longer than we did. I am grateful that my own experiences have helped me be more aware of what those who face infertility are going through. There is no way to truly understand what a couple facing infertility is feeling unless you've been there, but I hope sharing my own experiences has helped you understand it a little bit more. I know that most of all, they need the support of their loved ones. I have felt so blessed to have the thoughts and prayers of all of you during the past few months, and I know they have carried me and buoyed me up, so thank you all.

I know this post was fairly short and some of you are wanting more info about how I've been feeling and such, so I promise those are upcoming. Next up will be a post about how we told our families on Christmas. Expect some laughs.