Time to Lose Weight

So, I know I haven't given an update in a while, largely because I didn't really have much to say. But, we met with our fertility doctor today, so I figured it was time.

In July, we went through our third failed cycle of Clomid. Sometimes they'll have people do up to 6 rounds, sometimes even more, but that's generally when the woman has a clearly defined problem with ovulating, which I don't. When the cause of infertility is unknown, they'll often move on after three tries, so that's why we met with my doctor; to reevaluate where we go from here.

My doctor told us that her suggestion for our next step was IVF. However, as I've mentioned before, I truly feel like my weight is at least part of the problem, and if that's true, I wasn't sure I wanted to go straight into IVF when it's so dang expensive. So, we agreed that we'd take a break from treatment for the next three months or so while I work really hard on losing weight. At that point, we'll reevaluate again and decide whether we think it's worth trying Clomid again or if we want to go straight to IVF.

In the meantime, my doctor wrote me a prescription for Metformin. While it's technically a diabetes medication, it's been shown to help women with PCOS and other ovulation problems to have more regulated cycles. And sometimes it also helps them with weight loss. While I don't show the signs of a typical case of PCOS, and therefore wasn't given that diagnosis, the doctor did say she thinks I may have a very mild, atypical form of it. So we're hoping Metformin can help me out and work together with my other efforts to be healthier.

Along those lines, as some of you may know, I cut back on my hours at work a few weeks ago. When I first felt motivated to exercise more, it was good. But, I felt like I didn't have any free time, especially if I was going to also need time to fix healthier meals for us. When the thought came to my mind that I could just reduce my hours at work, I couldn't stop thinking about it and just felt like it was the right decision.

So, I cut back to 30 hours a week instead of 40, which means 6 hour days instead of 8 hour days. And since I no longer have to take a lunch, I get home about three hours earlier than I used to. While I'm still working on getting better at making us healthy meals, it has definitely helped with giving me time to exercise without me feeling like I have no time to myself. Additionally, I no longer have to stress as much about making up time I miss for appointments, which will be especially helpful if we do eventually move on to IVFs.

Because we've decided to put treatments on hold while I lose weight, I've also decided to renew my membership with Weight Watchers with the hopes that I can be successful with it again. I had lost almost 20 pounds the last time I was on it before I let myself slip on how well I followed the program. I'll also be keeping up with using the Wii Fit U game/system to track my steps, etc., and I'm still enjoying my Zumba and Just Dance games as well. I'm also hoping to add in some yoga, time at the local rec center, and some occasional workouts from Pinterest.

So, for the next little while, you can probably expect more updates on my weight loss, but not too much about actual fertility treatments. If any of you have workouts or healthy meals that you just love, feel free to share them with me. And, if I ever try to talk you into going out and getting a treat with me, take me to get a smoothie or something healthier instead. I'll probably complain in the moment, but I'll thank you for it later.

Getting Answers to Prayers and Actually Exercising

Unfortunately, our first cycle of fertility treatment didn't work. While that wasn't really a surprise (after all, the chances are only still about 20%), it was still a disappointment. And the day the blood test came back negative for pregnancy, all of my doubts and fears came flooding back to me. 

For a couple of days, I felt very little hope that anything would work. But, Heavenly Father is aware of us and He answers prayers. A few nights ago I felt so hopeless, and so when I prayed that evening, all I did was ask for hope. I explained that I knew how important it was for me to have hope and that I knew it could give me peace and joy, but that I just wasn't feeling it on my own. And since then, I've begun to feel more hope creep back into my heart. And it has been wonderful. 

Another thing that has brought me peace and joy the last week or two has been the fact that I've actually been feeling motivated to exercise! Part of me has always felt like maybe we wouldn't get pregnant until I was at a healthier weight. But somehow, that feeling just wasn't enough to get me moving and working on it. And all the while I felt so angry and disappointed with myself, because this is one thing I can control that affects our fertility and could affect the health of a pregnancy when it does happen. 

That disappointment was one of the things that came flooding back a couple weeks ago, but this time (perhaps because of the extra affect of a failed treatment cycle) it finally seemed enough to move me to action. Of course, it also helps that we had just recently gotten a Wii U, and also the Wii Fit U game that is all about fitness. And along with that, a Just Dance game and Zumba game for me. 

So, I am quite proud, and frankly amazed, to say that I have exercised every day for the last 11 days or so! And I honestly feel that a large part of the reason I've felt so motivated is another answer to prayers. Last Sunday was fast Sunday, and I decided to fast that I would continue to feel motivated to exercise. I mostly fasted for this because I know that getting healthier can help with having a baby. But I also know that I can be capable of doing more of the Lord's work if I do my best to be healthy. And I truly feel like my continued desire to exercise has been an answer to that fast. I just hope and trust that He continues to help me out with feeling such motivation. 

As of right now, that's what I'm planning on, and therefore you can probably expect to see more updates on how I'm doing on the being healthy/losing weight front. I know there have been numerous times when I've said I'm going to finally lose all my extra weight, but I'm determined that this time I'll actually do it. I know that if I continue to ask the Lord for His help, it is possible. 

So, that is what is going on with us lately. I've been doing excellent on the exercising front, but I know I have lots to improve on when it comes to eating healthy. So if you've got any pointers or delicious healthy recipes, throw them my way. 

Five Things Friday: Songs I'm Obsessed With

I've decided to do a new thing called Five Thing Friday, where on Fridays, I tell you about five things. That may be five songs I currently love, five books I've read over and over, five random facts I've learned at work, or something else entirely. This won't be every Friday, but just when I feel like it. Kind of just a way to let you in on what I'm thinking/up to, but the little things that I wouldn't normally post.

So this week I thought I'd start off with five songs I really like lately.

1. Fight Song by Rachel Patten

Basically this is just a great motivating, empowering song. It's a great reminder that you are in charge of your life and you can make it what you want it to be.

2. Bright by Echosmith

I just really like this, not really for a specific reason, except maybe that it's a good reminder that life is meant to be good, and that the people in your life should help make it that way. I know the best things in my life are my loves ones, and they make everything else a little better too.

3. All Our Lives by Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness

Chances are you've heard this band's song "Cecilia and the Satellite" on the radio, but I think this one is even better. I think the lyrics are powerful and like the thought of how we might use our experienced to help those around us.

4. Live Or Survive by Tren

So this song was first written by a couple of girls for a BYU class. Their assignment was to write a song that could go in the last Hunger Games movie. The two girls then grouped up with a couple of other BYU students who helped them out with the orchestration, etc. to get a more polished song. Now they're trying to actually get it into the movie. I think it's pretty sweet, and if you check it out, you help get it out there!

5. Fear Not This Night featuring Asja (from the Guild Wars 2 Soundtrack)

So, some of you may not know that a couple years ago Jacob got me try out a video game called Guild Wars 2. I loved it. It sounds strange, but it was just what I needed while I didn't have a job and didn't really feel like I had many friends nearby to spend my time with. I joined a "guild" of other players and have made friends with people from all over the world.

Anyway, back to the song. The instrumental version of this song is used a couple times in the game, and I always thought it was beautiful. But, the lyrics are totally awesome too. While the song obviously relates to the scary/dark things that take place in the game that your player fights against, I think it's a great reminder that even when everything seems dark, dawn is close at hand and things will be okay.

So there you go,  my first Five Things Friday. What are some of your favorite songs right now? I'm always on the lookout for new music.

Waiting and Tender Mercies

Just a little update and some thoughts on what I'm learning:

Right now we're in a two week waiting period of just waiting to see if the treatments this month worked. I'm pretty sure these two week periods will be my least favorite part of fertility treatments.

I alternate between feeling hopeful that things will have worked and feeling a true lack of hope and thinking this won't have worked because nothing will (at least not anytime soon). Even when I feel hopeful, I worry about getting my hopes up too high just to be let down. Obviously I still have a lot to learn in terms of trusting in the Lord and his timing and giving my fears over to him so I can feel hope.

On top of the emotional challenges of these weeks of waiting, they currently have me on progesterone in case things did work (it's good for the egg or something important like that). And that means side effects because hormones mess with you. I haven't been sleeping well, and I often feel bloated/uncomfortable. These are often some of the earliest signs of pregnancy, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's probably the drugs and not to read into it.

So, suffice it to say, things are still hard. It's hard to imagine having to do this sort of thing for months or even years. And I have even greater respect for those who have been on their own fertility journey for much longer than I've been on mine.

But, even though I still have a lot to learn about trusting in the Lord, I have still seen so many tender mercies from him during this experience. I thought I'd briefly tell you about some of them.

Shortly before my tumor was diagnosed back in fall of 2013, I went to a temple session. We had already been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was discouraged. As I went to the temple that day, I went with a question in my heart: Would I ever get to have children, and if so, how much longer did I have to wait. As we entered the celestial room, I grabbed the scriptures and opened them to a random page. And on that page happened to be D&C 121:7-8.  I love this scripture, and it has long been a favorite. And as I read it that day, I felt a sense of peace. I felt that the Lord was telling me I would have children, but that I needed to trust him and wait on his timing. I even felt like it would happen soon, but of course the Lord's concept of "soon" is very different from mine.

This wasn't a huge moment or revelation, but a small tender mercy that has been followed by many others during this time period of waiting. There have been scriptures shared in Sacrament Meetings that were just what I needed that day. We once had a beautiful Sunday school lesson that focused on "waiting on the Lord" and how we should be aware of and kind to those who are waiting, just as Zachariah and Elisabeth waited.

I have found great comfort from various scriptures. For example, I had never before realized how many women in the scriptures had this same trial; Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Elisabeth, and Hannah. Each of them was eventually blessed with a child, and that gives me hope. Their stories of faith are a great example to me.

There have also been many conference talks that have given me comfort and peace. There is one in particular from Elder Packer that I love. The talk is really about Elder Packer's testimony of basic gospel truths, but at one point he briefly talked about the blessings and importance of raising children. These are the words I love most from that talk:

"Those who do not marry or those who cannot have children are not excluded from the eternal blessings they seek but which, for now, remain beyond their reach. We do not always know how or when blessings will present themselves, but the promise of eternal increase will not be denied any faithful individual who makes and keeps sacred covenants.

Your secret yearnings and tearful pleadings will touch the heart of both the Father and the Son. You will be given a personal assurance from Them that your life will be full and that no blessing that is essential will be lost to you.

As a servant of the Lord, acting in the office to which I have been ordained, I give those in such circumstances a promise that there will be nothing essential to your salvation and exaltation that shall not in due time rest upon you. Arms now empty will be filled, and hearts now hurting from broken dreams and yearning will be healed."

Aren't his words beautiful? I read them often when I begin to lose hope and feel discouraged.

The final tender mercy I want to mention today is how much love and support I have felt from my friends and family. I am so grateful for your thoughts and prayers. I know they make a difference, even if I simply feel less alone.

I hope that in whatever trials you are facing, you will also find those beautiful tender mercies of the Lord. If there is ever anything I can do to make your burdens lighter as you have done for me, just say the word.

Mother's Day and Starting Treatment

To some extent, I'm not even sure what I want to write in this post, so bear with me if it's sloppy/all over the place. (It is.) I edit too much at work to want to edit my own blog on the weekend :)

So..Mother's Day. I absolutely love my mom and am so grateful for her. And I know so many mothers who deserve to be honored this weekend. But, I'm not exactly looking forward to this weekend, because Mother's Day last year was a really hard day for me.

It was the first year that I really knew something was wrong, that having a baby wasn't going to be very easy for us. The first Mother's day when I really wondered if I would ever get to be a mother. And on top of that, it was in the middle of the treatment for my prolactinoma. I wanted a baby so badly, and I wasn't even allowed to be trying to have one. Church...was almost torturous. Well, I live in "happy valley" where babies and toddlers abound, so many Sundays are almost torturous in their reminder of what I don't have. But, Mother's day was especially bad. Luckily Jacob and I were in the library that day, so I felt sacrament meeting before they did the whole honoring mothers with a gift thing, but I still remember feeling like I was just going to start crying at any moment.

And emotions on Mother's day when you want to be a mother but aren't, they're really confusing. Because part of you really appreciates it when people go out of their way to honor all women, not just mothers. But, part of you feels like that's just rubbing it in your face. At least, that's how it is for me.

And there is really no point in sharing this except to help you all be a little more aware of those who may be aching this weekend. And also to help you all understand if I seem at all grumpy this weekend/ don't share all those wonderful videos, etc about motherhood that bounce around Facebook. I can't watch them without too many of the feels, the unhappy, I-can't-deal-with-them feels. So I don't watch them anymore. Which means my mom isn't going to get very many shout-outs from me since I won't be sharing many mom-based posts. But, I do love you mom!

Anyway... the somewhat interesting thing I have to share today is that I finally started a treatment! We've finished up all our initial tests at the fertility center and they didn't find any specific cause(s) of our infertility. While it's nice to know that there isn't something wrong with us that would be impossible to fix, it's also frustrating, because how do you fix a problem when you don't know what the problem is?

But, we're moving ahead with a treatment cycle (Clomid and an IUI for those of who talk the talk/care for details). While I'm excited to finally be doing something, I'm also fairly nervous.

A lot of those nerves are about what side effects I might be dealing with. Today was my first day on the Clomid, and it's already bothered me with a headache and short bout of nausea. I'm hoping that's all I have to deal with. And obviously if it works, it will be totally worth it.

Some of those nerves are for if it actually works. While I'll mostly be happy/ecstatic/over the moon if that happens, actually becoming parents is kind of a big deal. And a really big change. Obviously that's the outcome I want, but, it still makes me nervous. And, while I'm not really worried about my prolactinoma in all this because mine is tiny, it can also be effected by pregnancy, so I have that little extra worry as well.

The large majority of the nerves though, they're from the worry that it won't work. That I'll get my hopes up just to have them utterly crushed. That is what scares me most. Because the pain that comes after getting your hopes up, it leaves me feeling broken and wondering why I let myself hope and care in the first place.

But I also worry about what we'll do if this doesn't work. Right now, I don't know what that will entail. I do know that we'll be trying this treatment for at least 3 months. After that, we'll either try it for a little while longer, or we'll reevaluate. This is when we start looking at what I think of as "big deal" treatments, like IVF. And the "big deal" treatments; they're not cheap. None of this is super cheap, but our insurance is awesome and is covering most of it 100%. But, when we get to the "big deal" treatments, they won't be fully covered anymore.

So, I'm basically a jumble of feelings and nerves these days. (I can blame that for this post being so messy, right?) A lot of it I can't even put into words, but I feel like I need to try, which is why I'm writing this post. In the beginning of all of this, I felt very lonely, and I have felt very strongly that I should be willing to be more open and vocal about my experience. There is nothing to be ashamed about in infertility. It is a slightly awkward topic because of it's connection to intimacy and because people who don't deal with it aren't that open about whether they're "trying" or not. But, I think it's a topic that needs to become less "taboo" or be less in the shadows.

By its very nature, infertility is a heart-breaking thing that tests you to your limits. It feels like something that will never end. And while you can sometimes forget about it and enjoy other aspects of life, it is always lurking. For the women especially, every period you have is a painful reminder that you can't ignore even if you want to. Perhaps I'm weaker than other women who deal with this, but I will tell you that most days I feel very broken. Some days I wonder how I will even put aside this ache and go through my daily life.

And this is why infertility shouldn't be a secret thing anymore,  because those who deal with it need so much love, support, and understanding. This is why I've started telling you guys my story, because it isn't something I can handle on my own anymore.

I'm sorry that this post has been such a mess. In large part, I just wanted to update you all on where I'm at. And I really do mean to post more inspirational/ uplifting posts about how this is helping me grow. But, I think first, I have to share the parts about the hard things too. If you've read to this point, you're awesome, and I love you!

And, Happy Mother's Day to all you women out there! Because all of you, whether you have children or not, have a divine heritage and calling of Motherhood from our Heavenly Father.

(This is something I'm trying to learn that will hopefully show up in a later post, but if you're childless, like me, and need something to help you through this weekend, the little booklet "Are We Not All Mothers?" by Sheri Dew is a great place to start. It's based on a Conference talk she gave, which you can find here.)

The Stumbling Blocks of Infertility

I have been taught, and I believe, that God is aware of me and has a plan for my life. That any trial I go through will be "for [my] experience and will work for [my] good." Because I can look back and see how I've grown through past trials, I know that one day I will be able to understand why infertility was a part of God's plan for me. Even now I can see how it has brought me closer to the Lord and my husband.

However, that doesn't mean that it isn't presently a trial with a lot of downsides. Part of that is just because we're meant to go through trials so that we can grow. But I think that Satan also finds ways to try to make our trials harder, so that they become a stumbling block instead of a stepping stone. 

My experience isn't going to be exactly the same as everyone else who deals with infertility, but I imagine it's very similar. So let me tell a few of the ways Satan uses infertility to undermine faith and growth. 

Feeling Distanced From God

Sometimes this experience helps me feel closer to God. There have been times when I've felt his love for me so strongly, and I know he is aware of me and my struggle. But the rest of the time, it's hard not to feel like He's very far away.

Learning to trust the Lord's timing is very hard. And when you're waiting on the answer to a prayer for as long as I've been waiting, it's easy to think that maybe He just can't hear you. Or maybe He just doesn't care.

Most of the time though, I feel distanced from God because of another issue that infertility brings up:

Self-Doubt

One of the most painful affects of infertility is feeling like it's somehow your fault. I can't count the number of times I've wondered if we didn't have a baby yet because I wasn't healthy enough, wasn't righteous enough, wasn't prayerful enough, wasn't enough in so many ways. Maybe I'm not worthy of a baby because I forget to do my visiting teaching more often than I remember, or because I got angry at Jacob the other day for something stupid.

In my heart, I know that's not really how God works most of the time, but in the moments when my heart is sorrowful, in the moments when I really just don't understand why we're still waiting, those doubts creep in and make the heartache even worse.

And when I'm not bogged down doubting myself, I struggle with how I feel about people around me. Because Satan is also using this thing in my life to try me with:

Jealousy/Anger/Judgement

Perhaps other people don't struggle with this as much as I do, but it has been a real fight for me to deal with these feelings. I'm still trying to teach myself not to feel these things whenever I hear that yet another person I know is pregnant.

I can't see a baby or toddler or pregnant woman without feeling extreme jealousy. Generally even when the kids are throwing a fit. (That is one bonus of this trial; whiny, noisy kids don't bother  me much anymore.) Now, I think a little bit of jealousy is understandable in this situation, but sometimes I find my jealousy getting out of hand.

I start feeling judgmental or angry. I start thinking things like, "What makes them so much more worthy than me?" Or, "How do they even expect to handle a kid, they're both still in school and make hardly any money and live in a tiny apartment, Jacob and I could provide for a baby better."

I'm ashamed of how angry I can feel at what I perceive to be lack of understanding from the women I know who didn't have to wait for a baby. I once overheard someone talking about how it took them "a while" to get pregnant, referring to three months. In my head I thought, "How could they say that, they have no idea what they're talking about. How dare they." I'm still telling myself that a. they didn't even know I was listening, b. they had no idea at the time how long we'd been trying for and c. they don't know any better, for them that was a while.

I even find myself getting jealous or judgmental of people I don't know. I hate that Facebook somehow feels like it makes sense for me to see every post my friends like, which includes when they like a baby announcement for people I don't know. Even worse are those rare news stories about women who go to the doctor with a stomach ache and end up giving birth when they didn't even know they were pregnant. I mean, seriously, how can they not know?

These feelings are awful, and I'm really trying to overcome them, especially because they add to the last trial I'm going to talk about:

Feeling Distanced From Other People

Jacob and I are kind of not the most social people in the first place. He's kind of a homebody, and most of the time I'm okay with that, but sometimes I do feel lonely. You see, while I love the friends we do have, sometimes its hard to relate with them. Most of our friends are either still single, or they already have kids. It's hard for my unmarried friends to relate to most things having to do with my marriage (which is obviously a huge part of my life), and I can't easily relate to anything having to do with kids (which is obviously a huge part of your life if you have kids).

And even when I know my friends' (or family members') children and love them and can relate to some conversations about them, being around kids always reminds me of the heartache of not having my own. I can try (and sometimes succeed) to put that out of my mind and enjoy game nights or girls' nights, but it isn't always easy. 

By extension, this often makes church and church activities hard for me. There are so many young families in our ward, so there are kids everywhere! Jacob and I used to get a lot of joy from watching the silly things toddlers do during Sacrament meeting, and to some extent we still do. But now there is always an element of wistfulness for me.

Additionally, as I've mentioned before, infertility is a lonely thing. If there are couples we know who are dealing with this, I don't know about it, because it's not really something that people talk about it. And while I have a lot of people who care about me and try to be there to support me, there aren't many people I can talk to about what I'm experiencing.

I do know a couple of people who experienced this in the past, but they have children now. They have been wonderful in understanding that I'm really probably not okay most of the time, and they've had good advice. I am grateful for them, and I'm not saying they don't remember the heartache, but they are removed from it.

This means it's difficult to feel like I can really connect with people around me. And when you feel alone, it's even easier to feel overwhelmed with doubt and sorrow.

Anyway, these are just a few of the things I've been going through. If you have loved ones or friends who are also dealing with infertility, they're probably dealing with similar things. So if they seem grumpy or angry or even just distant, be understanding. Give them time and love. And when I'm being grumpy, angry, anti-social and distant (because I know I sometimes am), please be patient with me. I'm working on overcoming these things, but it's a slow process.

Our Infertility Experience

I have been thinking about writing this blog post for at least a few months, but for a long time I didn't feel like I could. I didn't feel like I could write a post about infertility because our experience wasn't "official." We haven't seen any specialists yet and there hasn't been a diagnosis. Part of me felt like I wasn't justified in claiming to be a representative of those struggling with infertility.

 But, I've come to the conclusion that feeling that way was wrong. My heartache isn't any less, nor is the waiting any easier. And on top of that, I've now had my regular doctor suggest that I do see a fertility specialist. So, I've decided it's finally time to tell my story. Too often, those who deal with infertility suffer in lonely silence because it's something that isn't often talked about. If sharing my story can help just one person who is suffering to feel less alone, or one person who has never gone through this to understand just a little more, then it will be worth it. 

There is a lot I can say about my experience and my feelings, and lessons I am learning that I plan to share. However, I can't fit it all in one post, so for now I'll just tell you the facts of our experience. 

When Jacob and I first got married, I was fine with waiting to start our family. We both still had at least a year of school left, and I wanted time to learn how to be a wife before I took on being a mother. After I graduated, and as time passed, I become more impatient to start our family. But while Jacob was still looking for a permanent job, I was okay with waiting. But as soon as he found his job, I was ready to be done with birth control, ready to finally welcome a little one to our family. 

So, a little over two years ago I stopped taking the pill and started hoping. I knew that it would probably take about three months for the hormones in my body to get balanced again, but I hoped we wouldn't have to wait much longer than that for me to get pregnant. But three months came and went, and then three more months, and nothing. At this point the fears started to creep in; what if something was wrong, what if I could never get pregnant? There were a few months when I was a little late and I'd take a pregnancy test, wishing and hoping and praying that it would be positive. When it wasn't, I was disappointed, but I was still hopeful. And told myself that I would wait until we hit a year of trying before I let myself worry that much. But waiting was still hard.

Then, shortly before we hit the year mark I was waiting for, I started to have some strange symptoms that led to me seeing my doctor and getting some blood tests. They showed that my prolactin levels (a hormone) were a little high, but not at an alarming level. So, we decided we'd wait a month and then I'd get my blood tested again. In November 2013, when I went back to have them tested, my levels were even higher. At that point, my doctor told me that the most likely cause was something called a prolactinoma, a small tumor in my pituitary gland that was causing extra production of prolactin in my body. So, we scheduled an MRI to see if that was really what was going on. 

At this point, I was pretty freaked out. While I understood that this kind of tumor wasn't usually cancerous, it was still scary. I mean, I had to get an MRI! In my head, only people with serious issues needing something like that. So, I scheduled my appointment and went into it anxious and scared. (Side note: MRIs don't scare me anymore, and after two, I feel like pro. They're just really, really loud, annoying, and boring.)

When the results of the MRI came back, they confirmed my doctor's suspicions. I had a tumor in my pituitary. But there was good news too; the tumor wasn't cancerous, and it was tiny. In fact, in most cases with such a small tumor, they wouldn't have even bothered with treatment. But, my doctor knew I wanted to get pregnant and that my high prolactin levels would mean that probably wasn't possible until something was done, so she sent me to an endocrinologist for treatment. 

At the end of December 2013, I met with my endocrinologist and was put on a medication that should shrink my tumor and hopefully get rid of it completely. I'd be on that for six months, and then we'd do another MRI and see if the treatment was working. While I was glad that there was an available treatment, the downside was that we wouldn't even be able to try to get pregnant during that time. I'd already waited a year for a baby, and now I was being told that the wait would have to be even longer. It was especially hard because the meds would have actually made it more likely that we could get pregnant, I just would have had to stop taking them if that did happen, and they wanted to make sure the treatment was as complete as possible. 

The six months passed, but they seemed to last forever. My symptoms went away quickly and a blood test at three months in showed that my prolactin levels were lower, so we were hopeful the treatment was working. The results of the second MRI came back with no signs of the tumor, and I was so happy. There was a chance that the tumor could come back if I went off of the treatment, but when I told my endocrinologist that we really wanted to get pregnant, he agreed that it would be okay for me to go off the meds for the time being and start trying again, I just had to have a follow up appointment with him six months later. 

I was thrilled. Finally, we could start trying to expand our family again. Life was fantastic, and after six months of being mostly depressed, I was happy and hopeful again. Then, in August 2014, my symptoms started coming back. For the first day or two, I was in denial, but as they didn't disappear again, my joy plummeted. So, I made another appointment with my endocrinologist, and the blood tests they did showed that my prolactin levels were back up. I didn't have another MRI, but it was easy to assume that my tumor was back. While it's probably still tiny, the doctor said it was really active. 

So, I went back on the medication again. This time, we're allowed to keep trying to get pregnant, with the plan that I will just go off the meds if/when that happens. I'm pretty sure that's the only way I was able to handle this setback without completely breaking. Until then, I have a follow up with my endocrinologist every few months to test my prolactin levels. They're under control again, but as my regular doctor said to me, it's basically 100% sure that the craziness with them has had some role to play with us not getting pregnant. 

I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait, and every day and month that passes breaks my heart a little more. I don't know exactly what is keeping us from getting pregnant. I'm currently working on getting in to see a specialist my doctor recommended, but for now, all we can do is wait and hope and pray. And so far, that is our story.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me. In the next few days I plan to write a post or two with more details of how this experience has affected me and what I'm trying to learn from it, but since this post is already rather long, I'll be done for now. Just keep an eye out for more posts. And, if you have specific questions you want answered, feel free to ask them and I'll do my best.