What is happening to me?!

I know that a lot of you are probably thinking about that youtube video now, you know the one, "David after the Dentist".
And if you aren't thinking about it because you haven't seen it, see it! It is hilarious! And then after you watch it you should watch the Chad Vader version as well, because that also is hilarious.

But, that's not what I'm talking about at all. The fact is that I've been asking myself that question about lots of things lately.

Today it's because I absolutely cannot get myself to study for a test I have tomorrow. That's not like me. School has always been my thing. Sometimes I've felt like it's the only thing I know how to do, at least well. So, although I'll complain about homework as much as the next person, it's always been relatively easy for me to get around to doing it. Not this semester. When I just have to read, I am fine. In fact I use my reading homework to avoid my other homework, like studying and writing papers and coming up with ideas for projects. Because working on those things that really should be done first, it's like pulling teeth. Tonight I sat and banged my head against the couch(literally, just ask Jacob) for like five minutes before forcing myself to study for my test on Edgar Allen Poe. Studying lasted for about twenty or thirty minutes. Then I resorted to washing dishes. . . What is happening to me?!

Also, I still get moments of anger and frustration that come out of no where. This has been happening for a few months, and it's even getting better. But it is still so hard to deal with. I feel like I'm not in control of myself sometimes, and that scares me. I wish I understood what is happening to me.

Third. Sometimes I feel really really lonely. I love Jacob, and he doesn't neglect me, so don't get the wrong idea. But sometimes, I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like I don't really have friends anymore. Or at least friends that I can talk to or do things with. But I do have friends. It's like I just don't remember how to plan get togethers anymore. Getting married shouldn't do that to a person. Sad day. (P.S. If you are reading this Sara K. G., I am now missing you very much. Come back to Provo and me!)

Most of all though, sometimes I just feel lost. I think it comes from being in my last year of college and my first year of marriage. The world seems like a much bigger place than I ever really thought of before, and I have to go out an face it now, as an adult. And that scares me. What if I can't find a job after graduation. What if I end up hating my chosen field. What happens when Jacob finds a job in some distant state and I move farther away from my parents than I have ever been?
Sometimes, I feel like I don't remember who I am. Like somewhere along the line I forgot what made me, me. And I don't know how to find me, because that person I lost has changed and grown. So I have to discover a new me. I don't remember how to do that. And that worries me. Shouldn't I be able to define who I am? Outside of "LDS, student, English major, editing minor, daughter, sister, wife"? I don't know what happened to me, how I lost who I was. Or maybe I never knew, and that makes it even worse.

So how do you discover yourself, re-create a person? And do so during a crazy, hectic senior year of college and first year of marriage?

I don't know yet. But I want to try. And hopefully I'll succeed. But until then, I'll keep trusting in the Lord. Because I do know one thing, He knows who I am.

Hepatitis, Bagels, and Leaves

So, in my LDS Literature class we read Pat Madden's books of essays titled Quotidiana. Now, I've never been an entirely huge fan of essays before, but I had to read the book, so I did. At first I was super annoyed at how much his essays jumped around from personal experiences to random thoughts to random facts about the objects or people he was thinking about. Not to mention the random references to his favorite band Rush. To make matters worse the essays weren't ever really conclusive about anything. However, the more I read, the more I began to understand the method to his madness, and it became even more clear when he came and talked to our class. (Pat Madden is a BYU professor and close friends with the teacher of my LDS Lit. class.) Madden said that the real way to write a good essay is to subvert the main topic. If you focus on your goal to much, your thoughts will not be free to wander in the way that will really help you organize your thoughts.
At first, this was really difficult for me to understand, but then I thought about it more. And it really does make sense. Because in every moment of our lives we are bombarded by a million different strains of thought. There really is no way to come to any conclusion if you're ignoring all of the random thoughts that direct the real direction toward a goal that you're trying to reach.
I've found that when I'm focusing too much on one thing I fail to recognize everything else around me, but every once in a while I do actually notice other things around me. For example, you may be wondering what in the world I mean by the title of this post. Well, let me explain. The other day I was reading one of Patrick Madden's essays. It was all about Hepatitis. Did you know that for a while some people thought that AIDS had resulted from an attempt to make Hepatitis A vaccines? Interesting fact, isn't it? Well, while I was learning all about Hepatitis I was also eating one delicious Asiago bagel with cream cheese and thinking about just how delicious it tasted. Strange combination of thoughts, hepatitis and bagels. And while I was thinking that strange combination I happened to look up, right at the mountain side which is currently full of leaves changing colors. Fall is coming, and it looks beautiful! What a strange combination of thoughts.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let yourself focus too much on one thing, because you'll miss out on a lot of discoveries. Let your mind wander, even if it seems like your thoughts are leading no where. And check out the beautiful changes of nature around you, because fall is wonderful!