Lately.....

My mom and my sister have been bugging me to write on this here blog, and I know it’s been a while. I keep telling them I have nothing to write about, but that’s only kind of true. The truth is, I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been avoiding it because I don’t want to let you all know that I’m still without a job, still don’t have kids, and basically still doing nothing with my life. I know that everybody who reads this blog cares about me and supports me, but when I view myself as a failure it’s hard not to imagine you all doing the same. I know I could write about our sweet new apartment or our lovely new car, but my excitement over those didn’t last for very long. It’s hard to get excited about much when I spend most of my days trying to ignore how boring and pointless my day is. That being said, don’t expect much from this post except me trying to explain how I’ve been feeling lately and why I haven’t been writing here.

In April it will be two years since I graduated from BYU, and remembering that usually makes me feel like crying or throwing something across the room. It’s hard to look back at the last two years and know I have nothing to show for them. It’s harder to know that it’s partially my fault. And honestly it’s even harder to truly admit that to myself instead of making stupid excuses. It’s true that part of the reason I didn’t work as hard to find a full time job early on is because I wanted the focus in our lives to be finding Jacob a good full time. It’s also true that now is the not the best time to be looking for an entry-level job in most industries, but especially as an editor/writer. And it’s also understandable that I didn’t want to find some minimum wage job after spending 4 yrs of hard work to get a college degree. And it’s not as if I wasn’t applying to any jobs. However, the truth that I’ve been facing lately is that I got discouraged, and I got lazy, and so I stopped working as hard as I could have to find a job. And so I’m still without a job, and every time I have to acknowledge that or tell someone that, it feels like someone is slapping me in the face with a sign telling me just how much of a failure I am. The worst part is how this is affecting the rest of my life.

I feel extremely lonely. Most of the time the only person I interact with on a given day is Jacob, So you’d think that seeing and talking to other people was extremely exciting to me. And it is, but at the same time I absolutely dread it. I dread having people ask me how I’m doing, or what I’ve been up, or whether I’ve found a job yet, because I know my answers probably just make them feel bad for me, or perhaps even disappointed in me. I even hate it when people say it must be nice to have free time. Because for me, it’s not. It’s torture. I have had so much free time that sometimes I feel like I can’t stand one more minute of TV, or facebook stalking, or playing a game on my computer. Sometimes, I even feel like I couldn’t stand reading another chapter of my latest book. I think one of the only reasons I still enjoy reading for the most part is simply because reading is part of who I am, it’s habit.
Anyway, I could go on for a really long time about how down I’ve been feeling lately, but the truth is you don’t want to read that. And I should probably try not to dwell on it. One of the reasons things have been so hard for me is because I know I could have been doing better than I have been. It’s not just that I haven’t worked as hard on finding a job, but that I haven’t even used my time to become closer to my Father in Heaven, to serve others, to become a better wife, or daughter, or sister. I haven’t even done any crafting lately. I think at some point I just told myself to stop caring because caring hurt, and I told myself I was okay with spending my days watching TV shows on Netflix and playing pointless games. But when I let myself actually think about my life, I have to admit not only am I tired of it, but I’m disgusted with it. I know I can do more and be better, and I know that even it may be hard to get myself out of my rut, it will be worth it. So, I’m going to make some goals for myself and share some of them with you.

1.I need to improve my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I am so grateful for the foundation of faith and testimony I’ve built for myself during the times when I was doing really well spiritually, because it has helped me now. I know one of the reasons things haven’t been easier for me is because I have gotten out of the habit of daily scripture study and prayer. I have no excuse for this because I have all the time in the world to fit those in to my schedule, but for some reason I haven’t been making time for those essential things. But I still know the Lord loves me. I look at myself and see a failure, but I know He doesn’t. I KNOW that He loves me, and I owe him more than I’ve been giving him. So, I plan to get back on track with my daily scripture study and prayer, and also to be better at attending the temple. From time to time I may share some of the things I’ve learned in my studies with you on this blog.

2.I need to get back on track with eating healthy and exercising. I was doing so good for a while and I was losing weight, but then I allowed myself to get out of the habit. Obviously I am doing this for myself, but I am also doing it for our future family. Back in the fall I was feeling so impatient to start our family and have our first kid, but lately whenever I think about I just feel terrified. That didn’t make sense to me, so I spent time thinking about what the difference might be, and I realized the only difference that makes sense is that I am not trying as hard to be healthy as I was. Because I am overweight I have worried about how that might affect me when I do get pregnant, and Jacob is ridiculously paranoid about it. So, I came to the conclusion that as long I am trying my best to be healthy, the Lord will take care of me when I do get pregnant, but if I’m not doing my part I can’t expect anything from him. So once again I’m asking you guys to help me accountable about being healthy.

3.I want to actually use all those craft supplies I’ve accumulated. (I had like 5 or 6 boxes worth when we moved) My first goal is to get some curtains up in our apartment. We’re in a basement apartment and it’s really not fun looking out on window wells. We bought some already made curtains that I just need to cut/sew to size for our windows(none of the ones at the store were the right size) so it’s not even that big of a project, so expect a post with some pictures of those here soon(I just need to find the supplies I need first)

4.I want to find a way to serve others. This is a hard one for me because I am actually painfully shy in some ways(I know this surprises some of you, but it’s true) and so I will have to work on that, but for now I want to try and get back in the habit of doing indexing at least once a week.

So, those are just a few of my goals to start with. I’m sorry for the parts of this blog entry that consisted of me complaining and venting and being depressing, and I am thankful for the love and support I’ve had from so many of you. I’ll try and better at blogging in the future, so keep an eye out for that. And more specifically keep an eye out in the next week or so for an entry about some of the books/authors I’ve discovered lately.