This post is the result of two things: I’ve been meaning to post a blog post or two about the first couple months of Samuel’s life and just haven’t gotten around to it, and one of Jacob’s cousins asked on FB today for people to explain why they love parenthood because she often hears a lot more about how it’s hard without an explanation of why “it’s worth it.” So, I got thinking about my experience with parenting so far. I decided that to let you know about our last two months and to address the parenting is hard but worth it issue, I’d give you this post, which is just going to be a list of some of my thoughts and observations in the last two months.
First, Samuel is really a comparatively easy baby, especially during the first few weeks, so we’ve been super blessed. He slept really great and still is a pretty decent sleeper, and best of all, he doesn’t insist on being rocked to sleep. Though he does often sleep better/longer when one of us is holding him.
He has the most adorable sneezes ever. Okay, really, I basically think all of his sounds are the cutest thing ever. Even his cries are kind of cute. Right now he seems to be thinking about developing a laugh, which I can’t wait for.
I have super mixed feelings about breastfeeding. In some ways it has been easy for us, though we do have some challenges. My milk came in pretty well, which I’m super grateful for. But, we were dealing with Samuel’s tongue-tie for a bit, which complicated things. He could latch okay and got what he needed, but he had to work super hard and it exhausted him. Feeding him was an exercise in keeping him awake and required me to be constantly rubbing his hand, tapping his chin, etc. He’s mostly moved past that, though nursing does often make him sleepy still, but that did make feedings a lot easier for me. Although, this week he’s been kind of fussy on one side and refusing to take from it half the time, so that’s frustrating.
Also, everyone talks about breastfeeding and how it’s the totally awesome bonding experience, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't’ always feel that way about it. I love the time with Samuel, I do, but I also find it really boring sometimes. And I say that even though he’s always been a relatively quick eater. And night feedings, they’re kind of the worst. I don’t do well with a lack of sleep, so that’s been a struggle. Luckily, Samuel is super awesome and has been giving us a 4-5 hour stretch after his last evening feeding for a couple of weeks now, at least most of the time. Plus, these days he’ll give me sleepy smiles, which makes those night feedings a little easier.
Also, dealing with the leaking is the worst. This may be TMI, but I hate having to wear a bra at night just so my pads can be held in the right location so I don’t leave milk stains all over our sheets. (Though the leaking seems to be getting less. I’m hoping it’ll be gone completely one of these days.) And I have some issues with over-supply, so sometimes while I’m trying to feed Samuel he’ll pull off because it’s too much and then there is milk spraying everywhere. This is equal parts entertaining and frustrating. And the idea of breastfeeding in public doesn’t really appeal to me (perhaps because of the spraying milk thing). I’ve nursed him at the homes of family members, but I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable doing it in public places. I don’t have an issue with people who do it, but for me, I think it’ll mostly be easier for me to have a pumped bottle ready to take with us when possible. But maybe I’ll feel more comfortable with it when he stays latched better, etc, so we’ll just wait and see. Also, breastfeeding makes me constantly hungry. I want to eat all the time.
Being a stay at home mom is lonely a good deal of the time. Sometimes I feel so trapped. Though this is partially my fault because we only have one car and I’m not willing to get up and going early enough to take Jacob to work in the morning. But it’s hard knowing that all day long I have to constantly be there for Samuel without any relief. It’s especially hard right now when he has such limited interactions in return. Sometimes I find it beyond boring, but I get bored easily. I also miss having more time for my own things. I miss reading as much, or knowing that I have an uninterrupted block of time to work on missions or dungeons or something in Guild Wars 2. Or time to write a blog post (I’ve already been interrupted twice)
But, even though during most days I totally wish I could hand him off to someone else for a while, I’ve found that on days when we’re around family and other people do take over for a while and I haven’t held him as much, I miss him. I miss his adorable smile and sweet little coos.
Speaking of which, when he started smiling and cooing, it was the best thing ever. And it just keeps getting better, watching him learn and grow. For example, he rolled over for the first time on the day he was two months old! He doesn’t do it all the time, but he has rolled over a total of six times. And most babies don’t roll over until they’re at least three months old according to everything we’ve read, so we’re pretty proud of our boy. It probably helped that he loves to do pushups on my chest when I’m trying to burp him. He’s also doing awesome at holding his head more steady, and sometimes he’ll stand on his feet while I help hold him up.
It’s so much fun watching his little personality develop and learning things about him. Like the fact that he finds something about our couch super fascinating and comforting. Or at least he did; he seems to be growing out of it. He loves mirrors and can stare at them for a long time. Sometimes he needs his binky to stay calm and other times he totally refuses it. For some reason he only recognizes Jacob and smiles at him from specific angles. He hated his first couple of baths but now he just chills during them. Same with diaper changes. So far he doesn’t seem super interested in the toys hanging from his playmat most of the time and only hits them with accidental arm flailing. Though every once in while it seems more purposeful. And he seems to have a pretty pleasant disposition because he’ll still give us smiles even when we know he’s uncomfortable with gas or reflux.
He’s already weathered his first cold. It broke my heart to hear him dealing with a stuffy nose and sore throat, but he was still pretty easy through it. He has a belly button hernia (didn’t even know that was a thing before this), but it seems a little smaller to me the last day or two, so hopefully it’ll go away soon. It makes amusing squishy noises when you push on it, and it doesn’t seem to bother him any though, so if it sticks around for a while we’ll be okay with that too.
I know everybody always says to enjoy the moment because they grow up too fast. And the last couple of months have gone by super quickly. But, I’m still super looking forward to the future. I can’t wait until he learns his first word or learns to crawl. We waited so long to have him here that I try to treasure every good moment, but that waiting also included looking forward to his toddler days and beyond.
And yes, there are hard days and moments. And I’m sure it gets even harder as you have more kids and they get older. But it really is worth it. The pure love I feel for him and from him is beyond description. Watching Jacob with Samuel has increased my love for him because it’s the sweetest thing ever. Watching extended family and friends share in our joy as they shared in our pain has also been beautiful. I’ve never been more exhausted or worried or stressed. But I’ve also never felt more love or peace or joy.
Anyway, I know these thoughts are super unorganized, but I hope they give you a glimpse into our last two months. I’m sure there are things I meant to tell you about that I forgot, but that’s what happens when you keep getting interrupted by the cutest little boy ever.
