What is my problem?

I've been realizing something lately. something very disconcerting and annoying. And definitely a personality trait that I really need to change.
I love people, I really do. But I'm definitely not perfect and I judge way more than I should. Which means I am super lousy at being understanding sometimes. Which is something Jacob has had to put up with a lot lately. And I feel super bad about that. Luckily, he's amazing and much more understanding and patient with me than I probably deserve.
Want to know the most annoying part though? Generally I know how stupid I'm being, and I understand that I should be patient. So I try not to get frustrated, but I usually do anyway. Then I try to hide it and get over it. But usually people catch on anyway. (Especially Jacob).

So...judging from my second to last post before this one, I've got a bad trend going on. I try to hide my feelings when I know I shouldn't' have them. And I mean, I suppose it's kind of a good thing because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do. But, on the other hand, people shouldn't ignore their feelings.

Any solutions? At least something I can do while I work on being more patient. Because they'd be appreciated. :)

"But you never answered my question."

I'm sure most of you who actually read this already know this news....but why not repeat it, and some of you don't so:

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!

Jacob and I have been dating since the end of June, and I knew we were going to get married, and that he wanted me to have the ring by Thanksgiving, but I was still so surprised! And it still feels so unreal and yet perfectly normal and oh so exciting all at the same time.

Now, I know you all want pictures and the story so here you go:

So, my ward does this thing called "Love notes" every Sunday where after ward pray where you can write notes to anyone in the ward, put them in a folder, and have them delivered. Jacob has always written me poems for this, but a few weeks ago he "randomly" came up with the idea to write me a series of poems that went together and then we'd make a date out of finishing it. So he had written me three when we went yesterday to finish them. Of course it finally decided to be all cold and snowy, so we couldn't' do a fun picnic. So we went up to campus and wandered around for a while. We ended up in my favorite building on campus(the JFSB) in a area with seats that looked out on the beautiful courtyard. He read the first three notes to me and then started writing the fourth one, saying it aloud as he did so. When I knew he'd be getting close to the end of the poem he paused and then finished it by saying, "but you never answered my question." I turned and asked what question, and he then proceeded to explain to me/show me that over the four notes he had sneakily placed the words, "Will you marry me?" in spaces corresponding with the numbers he'd written on the bottom of the poem which I thought was just to keep the order I'd received them in straight. I had no idea! It was great!

So we sat there for a while just enjoying being with each other and then he took me out to lunch, and then I called my mom :) and other family members. But seriously, I am the happiest person alive since then.

As for the ring, it's perfect. We talked about it months ago and what preferences I have, but I've always wanted the ring to be a surprise whenever I thought about getting engaged. We talked about a colored stone and I knew that is what he was leaning towards, but over the past few weeks I started wondering if I'd really be okay with something besides a diamond. Well....the moment he pulled it out of his pocket I fell in love with the ring. It's a beautiful blue sapphire with two tiny diamonds set on either side. But of course a picture is worth a thousand words so here you go(by the way it is more blue in the light then this looks, it was really hard to get a good picture showing the design and the color):

And here is me and my fiancee!!!

Just Thinking

Sometimes I wonder if I get my feelings hurt or get offended to easily. Actually I know I sometimes do.. But I try to avoid it. But in the last couple days when I've just been tired and stressed out anyway, I've had a chance to kind of watch myself. A couple of actually quite small things have happened lately or been brought to my attention that have really upset me. And it's not like I'm out of control upset, but they are on my mind. And I'd probably feel better if I did something about it by talking to people. But, the people don't' even know they've done something to annoy me or hurt my feelings, or whatever. So...do I bring it up or not?

Cause here is the thing. I hate conflict, especially with people I really care about. As in, I really really really hate it. I will do anything at all possible to avoid it, even if it means holding things in for too long and then blowing up about something later. It's a quite stupid thing I do, but I understand why I do it. When I do end up getting in a discussion/argument with people, my feelings are easily hurt. Sure, that's not the best personality trait, but that's me and it's not really something I can change. Well, I don't like being hurt. So, either I get really hurt, or I find a way to protect myself. Well, generally my protecting myself leads to me being really really really mean. Because I stop letting myself care about emotions, not just mine, but other peoples as well.

So, see my dilemma. I don't like being mean, and I don't like being hurt, so then I don't' bring things up. But then I end up with a cloud hanging over my head until I can just force myself to forget about whatever happened that bothers me. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know what to do. And this post is really just kind of to let me vent, so sorry you had to read it.

In other news, life is pretty good right now. I had a really crappy day earlier this week, but such things are few and far between in life lately, and I certainly love it. yay for life.