What is happening to me?!

I know that a lot of you are probably thinking about that youtube video now, you know the one, "David after the Dentist".
And if you aren't thinking about it because you haven't seen it, see it! It is hilarious! And then after you watch it you should watch the Chad Vader version as well, because that also is hilarious.

But, that's not what I'm talking about at all. The fact is that I've been asking myself that question about lots of things lately.

Today it's because I absolutely cannot get myself to study for a test I have tomorrow. That's not like me. School has always been my thing. Sometimes I've felt like it's the only thing I know how to do, at least well. So, although I'll complain about homework as much as the next person, it's always been relatively easy for me to get around to doing it. Not this semester. When I just have to read, I am fine. In fact I use my reading homework to avoid my other homework, like studying and writing papers and coming up with ideas for projects. Because working on those things that really should be done first, it's like pulling teeth. Tonight I sat and banged my head against the couch(literally, just ask Jacob) for like five minutes before forcing myself to study for my test on Edgar Allen Poe. Studying lasted for about twenty or thirty minutes. Then I resorted to washing dishes. . . What is happening to me?!

Also, I still get moments of anger and frustration that come out of no where. This has been happening for a few months, and it's even getting better. But it is still so hard to deal with. I feel like I'm not in control of myself sometimes, and that scares me. I wish I understood what is happening to me.

Third. Sometimes I feel really really lonely. I love Jacob, and he doesn't neglect me, so don't get the wrong idea. But sometimes, I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like I don't really have friends anymore. Or at least friends that I can talk to or do things with. But I do have friends. It's like I just don't remember how to plan get togethers anymore. Getting married shouldn't do that to a person. Sad day. (P.S. If you are reading this Sara K. G., I am now missing you very much. Come back to Provo and me!)

Most of all though, sometimes I just feel lost. I think it comes from being in my last year of college and my first year of marriage. The world seems like a much bigger place than I ever really thought of before, and I have to go out an face it now, as an adult. And that scares me. What if I can't find a job after graduation. What if I end up hating my chosen field. What happens when Jacob finds a job in some distant state and I move farther away from my parents than I have ever been?
Sometimes, I feel like I don't remember who I am. Like somewhere along the line I forgot what made me, me. And I don't know how to find me, because that person I lost has changed and grown. So I have to discover a new me. I don't remember how to do that. And that worries me. Shouldn't I be able to define who I am? Outside of "LDS, student, English major, editing minor, daughter, sister, wife"? I don't know what happened to me, how I lost who I was. Or maybe I never knew, and that makes it even worse.

So how do you discover yourself, re-create a person? And do so during a crazy, hectic senior year of college and first year of marriage?

I don't know yet. But I want to try. And hopefully I'll succeed. But until then, I'll keep trusting in the Lord. Because I do know one thing, He knows who I am.