So I know I keep promising that I'll post more, but the truth is I'm not sure you want me to, because then I might just end up complaining all the time, and nobody wants to read that.
Lately I feel frustrated and restless ALL THE TIME! My life in general is extremely frustrating to me. I still haven't found a job, and Jacob hasn't found a full-time job so we are still in his parents house. And I'm not even sure how much longer we can be here, with the weather getting warm again Jacob's parents are wanting to get back on track on getting the house fixed up to sell. Either way, I feel like my life is limbo right now. I can't really do much to decorate this house and make it really feel like home because we'll be painting soon(I've been thinking it was going to happen soon since we moved in, so I never did get around to decorating before now) and they might be having the kitchen and bathroom redone. I sit at home all day not really doing anything. I know everybody says looking for a job should be your full-time job when you need one, but honestly, I can only look for so long, especially when I find nothing and get really discouraged. Jacob is gone half the time, so not only do I feel really bored and useless, but extremely lonely. And because I can't find a job, I feel like a failure, like the 4 years I spent at BYU working my butt off and paying lots of money were worthless and I shouldn't have bothered. And on top of all that, for last little while it's been really hard for me to ignore just how badly I'm starting to want a baby. I want to start our family! And Jacob does too, but we both feel like right now is not the right time since we don't have a place of our own or a good income. So, for now I continue to wait, and every time I see a cute baby or toddler (and there are many in our ward every sunday) it tortures me just a little bit that I don't have one of my own. And also, my attempts to be healthier and lost weight aren't going as well as I'd like (I need more will power), even when I do well with exercise and eating better, the weight loss is minimal which makes me feel like it's not worth it!
With life being so frustrating in general, the smallest things can set me off into a pretty much full on melt-down of some kind. (for example, ask Jacob about my throwing our plastic cups around the kitchen when our stupid dishwasher failed to work properly even after my cleaning cycles of baking soda and vinegar) Most days I kind of just wish I could sleep all day long and not have to deal with it. (Instead I end up doing a lot of reading to avoid thinking about my own life) So, depressing, right? I knew you wouldn't want to hear it, and that's about all I have to say lately, hence the lack of posts. And perhaps most depressing of all is that it's getting rather hard to keep hoping that things will get any better, seeing as I graduated almost a year ago and have been in this same lousy boat since then.
There are a few things I can be grateful for thought. Mainly Jacob, and his loving patience with me and my pretty much constant depressed/frustrated state that I take out on him more than I should. In fact, he loves me so much he went and saw the Hunger Games with me, even though he wasn't really interested. Also, he agreed that we should buy MarioKart for our 64(mainly at my bidding so we'd have a game we could actually play together, which he continues to do when I ask even though I tend to beat him about 80-90% of the time)Also, the weather is finally getting warmer! which has been wonderful and has helped me cheer up a bit. And as I mentioned, I have been getting a lot of reading done, which has been great. (I know I keep promising book reviews on here, but seriously, you should all just get goodreads, because I keep track of everything I read on there, and even if I don't write an actual review, I do at least rate the books I read)
And on that note, I'll be done. I hope all of your lives are going better than mine, and if they're not, well, feel free to call and commiserate with me.
I Do Now
4 days ago
5 comments:
Let me just say that I sympathize with your feeling of failure. I have used that one single word to describe large swaths of my life up until this point. And I still think of myself that way ... frequently. (Seriously, I started college in 2002, and haven't graduated yet...) But in hindsight, I know that being discouraged or even severely depressed and being a genuine failure are drastically different things.
And personally, I think that a degree is and will be worthwhile to you even if you NEVER get a job. They always say that college isn't so much about obtaining knowledge and skills, as you could always learn the same material yourself through reading and studying and practicing, but more about learning how to learn, how to think analytically, work hard, and use resources. I believe that once you're not so frustrated with your circumstances anymore, you will be glad you got your degree.
Anyways, I have other things I could say to try and cheer you up regarding some of the other points you wrote about, but I don't think you were really looking for that. :S I just wanted to offer you at least one point of specific encouragement.
I know we're not exactly close, but we are family after a fashion, and I love you and hope you are able to start feeling better soon.
I'm sorry to hear things aren't working out the way you had planned! Life is hard like that sometimes :( Have you tried looking at temp agencies for work? That's how Jesse got his current job--he went and found a temp position, and then the company liked him and hired him full time! It would be hard cause it wouldn't necessarily be in your major, but it would be a way to get out of the house and eventually find full-time work! Good luck, and I hope things work out for you!
Lydia I love you and know that if you put your faith to work your life will be better than you can imagine! Heavenly Father is aware of you and wants you to be happy and successful in your life~never doubt that!!!! You are an incredible woman and have accomplished much in your life to be proud of, don't base your worth on employment or motherhood delays! (trust me I know what I am talking about!) You have much power to do good and Satan knows it and he will work on you daily to make you think you are less than you truly are! Use your power to serve others around you and your life will be truly blessed! I love you!
I'm not a very inspirational person, but I can tell you from my experience that finding a kind of exercise that you really love makes it so much easier to do it often. It also helps a lot of if you can find someone to exercise with. When I get stressed out about lots of things I usually have to just focus on one problem at a time, then it doesn't seem quite so big. Good luck with everything!
i'm sorry lydia, being in that limbo state is the hardest. i read this the other day when i was having a hard time and i just wanted to share :)
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng&query=waiting+upon+lord
as for the working out thing, i'd say just start small and do what works for you! my friend (oh monica, i'm sure you remember her) lives in switzerland and she just goes on a pretty walk around the neighborhood every morning after her husband goes to work, maybe you and jacob could go on a walk every morning or something? especially since the weather is getting nice, that would be so fun!
i think you're beautiful, and smart, and i'm glad that i got to know you, you helped me so much when i lived with you! you're a great example. I hope things get better, I know they will!
Oh here is another talk that I love to listen to!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw
K sorry for the overload, love you!
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