The Best Birthday Surprise Ever: Finding Out I Was Pregnant

I figured it was about time I get around to posting about finally finding out we're expecting, especially since I know so many of you have been following our infertility journey and praying and hoping right along with us. So here you go:

When you're trying to get pregnant as seriously as we were, you get super familiar with your monthly cycle. For months I'd been using an awesome app called Clue to track my cycle, and I'd been using it for long enough that it was pretty great at predicting when I was supposed to start my period. In fact, for the three months before, it had been spot on to the day. So, when it predicted that I was supposed to be starting my period on my birthday, I jokingly said it would be the best birthday present ever if that period just never came. I never expected that to actually happen.

In particular, I really didn't expect that to happen because we were still on our break from treatments. The only thing I was on was the Metformin, and that really wasn't expected to make a difference. I was actually supposed to be calling our fertility clinic to schedule a meeting with the doctor, but I'd been putting it off because we still weren't 100% sure we wanted to move on and try IVF. Because, dang, IVF treatments are expensive and really involved and a huge commitment. So, I told myself I'd worry about it after Thanksgiving.

But then, my birthday came, and my period didn't come with it. I knew that I'd had longer cycles in the past, so I tried really hard not to get my hopes up and just wait a couple of days. I didn't want to take a test and just have it turn out negative and break my heart. So, I waited 5 days and still didn't start my period, so I finally took a test.

I took it first thing in the morning. Jacob was still in the bedroom, but he could hear me when I started crying and thought that meant I had started my period. So I just walked into the bedroom, held the test up to him and said, nope, no period. Honestly, I don't think either of us could really believe it. So later that day, I took another test. It was positive too, so I started to believe it just a little bit more. And when the third test I took the next morning agreed, I got even more excited.

But it was such an unexpected miracle that Jacob and I both wanted to get a blood test to confirm the results before we really let ourselves be sure. It was the weekend, but even though I wasn't currently getting treatments, the fertility clinic made an appointment for me the next day as soon as I called them Monday morning. I went crazy all day Tuesday waiting for them to call with the results, but when they finally did call, it was all worth the wait. The blood test confirmed it; we were finally expecting a baby.

There are still days when it doesn't feel quite real, in spite of the ultrasounds I've had and the nausea and exhaustion and other fun symptoms. I still don't understand the Lord's plan and timing or why we had to wait this long. I really don't understand why we went through 3 months of treatments without any results, but I do trust that He loves us, and I am so grateful for our little miracle. It truly was the best birthday present I ever could have wished for, and we can't wait until August.

I'm also beyond grateful for all the love and support we've had on our infertility journey. For us, it's felt like forever, but I know there are so many who wait much longer than we did. I am grateful that my own experiences have helped me be more aware of what those who face infertility are going through. There is no way to truly understand what a couple facing infertility is feeling unless you've been there, but I hope sharing my own experiences has helped you understand it a little bit more. I know that most of all, they need the support of their loved ones. I have felt so blessed to have the thoughts and prayers of all of you during the past few months, and I know they have carried me and buoyed me up, so thank you all.

I know this post was fairly short and some of you are wanting more info about how I've been feeling and such, so I promise those are upcoming. Next up will be a post about how we told our families on Christmas. Expect some laughs.

Time to Lose Weight

So, I know I haven't given an update in a while, largely because I didn't really have much to say. But, we met with our fertility doctor today, so I figured it was time.

In July, we went through our third failed cycle of Clomid. Sometimes they'll have people do up to 6 rounds, sometimes even more, but that's generally when the woman has a clearly defined problem with ovulating, which I don't. When the cause of infertility is unknown, they'll often move on after three tries, so that's why we met with my doctor; to reevaluate where we go from here.

My doctor told us that her suggestion for our next step was IVF. However, as I've mentioned before, I truly feel like my weight is at least part of the problem, and if that's true, I wasn't sure I wanted to go straight into IVF when it's so dang expensive. So, we agreed that we'd take a break from treatment for the next three months or so while I work really hard on losing weight. At that point, we'll reevaluate again and decide whether we think it's worth trying Clomid again or if we want to go straight to IVF.

In the meantime, my doctor wrote me a prescription for Metformin. While it's technically a diabetes medication, it's been shown to help women with PCOS and other ovulation problems to have more regulated cycles. And sometimes it also helps them with weight loss. While I don't show the signs of a typical case of PCOS, and therefore wasn't given that diagnosis, the doctor did say she thinks I may have a very mild, atypical form of it. So we're hoping Metformin can help me out and work together with my other efforts to be healthier.

Along those lines, as some of you may know, I cut back on my hours at work a few weeks ago. When I first felt motivated to exercise more, it was good. But, I felt like I didn't have any free time, especially if I was going to also need time to fix healthier meals for us. When the thought came to my mind that I could just reduce my hours at work, I couldn't stop thinking about it and just felt like it was the right decision.

So, I cut back to 30 hours a week instead of 40, which means 6 hour days instead of 8 hour days. And since I no longer have to take a lunch, I get home about three hours earlier than I used to. While I'm still working on getting better at making us healthy meals, it has definitely helped with giving me time to exercise without me feeling like I have no time to myself. Additionally, I no longer have to stress as much about making up time I miss for appointments, which will be especially helpful if we do eventually move on to IVFs.

Because we've decided to put treatments on hold while I lose weight, I've also decided to renew my membership with Weight Watchers with the hopes that I can be successful with it again. I had lost almost 20 pounds the last time I was on it before I let myself slip on how well I followed the program. I'll also be keeping up with using the Wii Fit U game/system to track my steps, etc., and I'm still enjoying my Zumba and Just Dance games as well. I'm also hoping to add in some yoga, time at the local rec center, and some occasional workouts from Pinterest.

So, for the next little while, you can probably expect more updates on my weight loss, but not too much about actual fertility treatments. If any of you have workouts or healthy meals that you just love, feel free to share them with me. And, if I ever try to talk you into going out and getting a treat with me, take me to get a smoothie or something healthier instead. I'll probably complain in the moment, but I'll thank you for it later.

Getting Answers to Prayers and Actually Exercising

Unfortunately, our first cycle of fertility treatment didn't work. While that wasn't really a surprise (after all, the chances are only still about 20%), it was still a disappointment. And the day the blood test came back negative for pregnancy, all of my doubts and fears came flooding back to me. 

For a couple of days, I felt very little hope that anything would work. But, Heavenly Father is aware of us and He answers prayers. A few nights ago I felt so hopeless, and so when I prayed that evening, all I did was ask for hope. I explained that I knew how important it was for me to have hope and that I knew it could give me peace and joy, but that I just wasn't feeling it on my own. And since then, I've begun to feel more hope creep back into my heart. And it has been wonderful. 

Another thing that has brought me peace and joy the last week or two has been the fact that I've actually been feeling motivated to exercise! Part of me has always felt like maybe we wouldn't get pregnant until I was at a healthier weight. But somehow, that feeling just wasn't enough to get me moving and working on it. And all the while I felt so angry and disappointed with myself, because this is one thing I can control that affects our fertility and could affect the health of a pregnancy when it does happen. 

That disappointment was one of the things that came flooding back a couple weeks ago, but this time (perhaps because of the extra affect of a failed treatment cycle) it finally seemed enough to move me to action. Of course, it also helps that we had just recently gotten a Wii U, and also the Wii Fit U game that is all about fitness. And along with that, a Just Dance game and Zumba game for me. 

So, I am quite proud, and frankly amazed, to say that I have exercised every day for the last 11 days or so! And I honestly feel that a large part of the reason I've felt so motivated is another answer to prayers. Last Sunday was fast Sunday, and I decided to fast that I would continue to feel motivated to exercise. I mostly fasted for this because I know that getting healthier can help with having a baby. But I also know that I can be capable of doing more of the Lord's work if I do my best to be healthy. And I truly feel like my continued desire to exercise has been an answer to that fast. I just hope and trust that He continues to help me out with feeling such motivation. 

As of right now, that's what I'm planning on, and therefore you can probably expect to see more updates on how I'm doing on the being healthy/losing weight front. I know there have been numerous times when I've said I'm going to finally lose all my extra weight, but I'm determined that this time I'll actually do it. I know that if I continue to ask the Lord for His help, it is possible. 

So, that is what is going on with us lately. I've been doing excellent on the exercising front, but I know I have lots to improve on when it comes to eating healthy. So if you've got any pointers or delicious healthy recipes, throw them my way. 

Five Things Friday: Songs I'm Obsessed With

I've decided to do a new thing called Five Thing Friday, where on Fridays, I tell you about five things. That may be five songs I currently love, five books I've read over and over, five random facts I've learned at work, or something else entirely. This won't be every Friday, but just when I feel like it. Kind of just a way to let you in on what I'm thinking/up to, but the little things that I wouldn't normally post.

So this week I thought I'd start off with five songs I really like lately.

1. Fight Song by Rachel Patten

Basically this is just a great motivating, empowering song. It's a great reminder that you are in charge of your life and you can make it what you want it to be.

2. Bright by Echosmith

I just really like this, not really for a specific reason, except maybe that it's a good reminder that life is meant to be good, and that the people in your life should help make it that way. I know the best things in my life are my loves ones, and they make everything else a little better too.

3. All Our Lives by Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness

Chances are you've heard this band's song "Cecilia and the Satellite" on the radio, but I think this one is even better. I think the lyrics are powerful and like the thought of how we might use our experienced to help those around us.

4. Live Or Survive by Tren

So this song was first written by a couple of girls for a BYU class. Their assignment was to write a song that could go in the last Hunger Games movie. The two girls then grouped up with a couple of other BYU students who helped them out with the orchestration, etc. to get a more polished song. Now they're trying to actually get it into the movie. I think it's pretty sweet, and if you check it out, you help get it out there!

5. Fear Not This Night featuring Asja (from the Guild Wars 2 Soundtrack)

So, some of you may not know that a couple years ago Jacob got me try out a video game called Guild Wars 2. I loved it. It sounds strange, but it was just what I needed while I didn't have a job and didn't really feel like I had many friends nearby to spend my time with. I joined a "guild" of other players and have made friends with people from all over the world.

Anyway, back to the song. The instrumental version of this song is used a couple times in the game, and I always thought it was beautiful. But, the lyrics are totally awesome too. While the song obviously relates to the scary/dark things that take place in the game that your player fights against, I think it's a great reminder that even when everything seems dark, dawn is close at hand and things will be okay.

So there you go,  my first Five Things Friday. What are some of your favorite songs right now? I'm always on the lookout for new music.

Waiting and Tender Mercies

Just a little update and some thoughts on what I'm learning:

Right now we're in a two week waiting period of just waiting to see if the treatments this month worked. I'm pretty sure these two week periods will be my least favorite part of fertility treatments.

I alternate between feeling hopeful that things will have worked and feeling a true lack of hope and thinking this won't have worked because nothing will (at least not anytime soon). Even when I feel hopeful, I worry about getting my hopes up too high just to be let down. Obviously I still have a lot to learn in terms of trusting in the Lord and his timing and giving my fears over to him so I can feel hope.

On top of the emotional challenges of these weeks of waiting, they currently have me on progesterone in case things did work (it's good for the egg or something important like that). And that means side effects because hormones mess with you. I haven't been sleeping well, and I often feel bloated/uncomfortable. These are often some of the earliest signs of pregnancy, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's probably the drugs and not to read into it.

So, suffice it to say, things are still hard. It's hard to imagine having to do this sort of thing for months or even years. And I have even greater respect for those who have been on their own fertility journey for much longer than I've been on mine.

But, even though I still have a lot to learn about trusting in the Lord, I have still seen so many tender mercies from him during this experience. I thought I'd briefly tell you about some of them.

Shortly before my tumor was diagnosed back in fall of 2013, I went to a temple session. We had already been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was discouraged. As I went to the temple that day, I went with a question in my heart: Would I ever get to have children, and if so, how much longer did I have to wait. As we entered the celestial room, I grabbed the scriptures and opened them to a random page. And on that page happened to be D&C 121:7-8.  I love this scripture, and it has long been a favorite. And as I read it that day, I felt a sense of peace. I felt that the Lord was telling me I would have children, but that I needed to trust him and wait on his timing. I even felt like it would happen soon, but of course the Lord's concept of "soon" is very different from mine.

This wasn't a huge moment or revelation, but a small tender mercy that has been followed by many others during this time period of waiting. There have been scriptures shared in Sacrament Meetings that were just what I needed that day. We once had a beautiful Sunday school lesson that focused on "waiting on the Lord" and how we should be aware of and kind to those who are waiting, just as Zachariah and Elisabeth waited.

I have found great comfort from various scriptures. For example, I had never before realized how many women in the scriptures had this same trial; Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Elisabeth, and Hannah. Each of them was eventually blessed with a child, and that gives me hope. Their stories of faith are a great example to me.

There have also been many conference talks that have given me comfort and peace. There is one in particular from Elder Packer that I love. The talk is really about Elder Packer's testimony of basic gospel truths, but at one point he briefly talked about the blessings and importance of raising children. These are the words I love most from that talk:

"Those who do not marry or those who cannot have children are not excluded from the eternal blessings they seek but which, for now, remain beyond their reach. We do not always know how or when blessings will present themselves, but the promise of eternal increase will not be denied any faithful individual who makes and keeps sacred covenants.

Your secret yearnings and tearful pleadings will touch the heart of both the Father and the Son. You will be given a personal assurance from Them that your life will be full and that no blessing that is essential will be lost to you.

As a servant of the Lord, acting in the office to which I have been ordained, I give those in such circumstances a promise that there will be nothing essential to your salvation and exaltation that shall not in due time rest upon you. Arms now empty will be filled, and hearts now hurting from broken dreams and yearning will be healed."

Aren't his words beautiful? I read them often when I begin to lose hope and feel discouraged.

The final tender mercy I want to mention today is how much love and support I have felt from my friends and family. I am so grateful for your thoughts and prayers. I know they make a difference, even if I simply feel less alone.

I hope that in whatever trials you are facing, you will also find those beautiful tender mercies of the Lord. If there is ever anything I can do to make your burdens lighter as you have done for me, just say the word.

Mother's Day and Starting Treatment

To some extent, I'm not even sure what I want to write in this post, so bear with me if it's sloppy/all over the place. (It is.) I edit too much at work to want to edit my own blog on the weekend :)

So..Mother's Day. I absolutely love my mom and am so grateful for her. And I know so many mothers who deserve to be honored this weekend. But, I'm not exactly looking forward to this weekend, because Mother's Day last year was a really hard day for me.

It was the first year that I really knew something was wrong, that having a baby wasn't going to be very easy for us. The first Mother's day when I really wondered if I would ever get to be a mother. And on top of that, it was in the middle of the treatment for my prolactinoma. I wanted a baby so badly, and I wasn't even allowed to be trying to have one. Church...was almost torturous. Well, I live in "happy valley" where babies and toddlers abound, so many Sundays are almost torturous in their reminder of what I don't have. But, Mother's day was especially bad. Luckily Jacob and I were in the library that day, so I felt sacrament meeting before they did the whole honoring mothers with a gift thing, but I still remember feeling like I was just going to start crying at any moment.

And emotions on Mother's day when you want to be a mother but aren't, they're really confusing. Because part of you really appreciates it when people go out of their way to honor all women, not just mothers. But, part of you feels like that's just rubbing it in your face. At least, that's how it is for me.

And there is really no point in sharing this except to help you all be a little more aware of those who may be aching this weekend. And also to help you all understand if I seem at all grumpy this weekend/ don't share all those wonderful videos, etc about motherhood that bounce around Facebook. I can't watch them without too many of the feels, the unhappy, I-can't-deal-with-them feels. So I don't watch them anymore. Which means my mom isn't going to get very many shout-outs from me since I won't be sharing many mom-based posts. But, I do love you mom!

Anyway... the somewhat interesting thing I have to share today is that I finally started a treatment! We've finished up all our initial tests at the fertility center and they didn't find any specific cause(s) of our infertility. While it's nice to know that there isn't something wrong with us that would be impossible to fix, it's also frustrating, because how do you fix a problem when you don't know what the problem is?

But, we're moving ahead with a treatment cycle (Clomid and an IUI for those of who talk the talk/care for details). While I'm excited to finally be doing something, I'm also fairly nervous.

A lot of those nerves are about what side effects I might be dealing with. Today was my first day on the Clomid, and it's already bothered me with a headache and short bout of nausea. I'm hoping that's all I have to deal with. And obviously if it works, it will be totally worth it.

Some of those nerves are for if it actually works. While I'll mostly be happy/ecstatic/over the moon if that happens, actually becoming parents is kind of a big deal. And a really big change. Obviously that's the outcome I want, but, it still makes me nervous. And, while I'm not really worried about my prolactinoma in all this because mine is tiny, it can also be effected by pregnancy, so I have that little extra worry as well.

The large majority of the nerves though, they're from the worry that it won't work. That I'll get my hopes up just to have them utterly crushed. That is what scares me most. Because the pain that comes after getting your hopes up, it leaves me feeling broken and wondering why I let myself hope and care in the first place.

But I also worry about what we'll do if this doesn't work. Right now, I don't know what that will entail. I do know that we'll be trying this treatment for at least 3 months. After that, we'll either try it for a little while longer, or we'll reevaluate. This is when we start looking at what I think of as "big deal" treatments, like IVF. And the "big deal" treatments; they're not cheap. None of this is super cheap, but our insurance is awesome and is covering most of it 100%. But, when we get to the "big deal" treatments, they won't be fully covered anymore.

So, I'm basically a jumble of feelings and nerves these days. (I can blame that for this post being so messy, right?) A lot of it I can't even put into words, but I feel like I need to try, which is why I'm writing this post. In the beginning of all of this, I felt very lonely, and I have felt very strongly that I should be willing to be more open and vocal about my experience. There is nothing to be ashamed about in infertility. It is a slightly awkward topic because of it's connection to intimacy and because people who don't deal with it aren't that open about whether they're "trying" or not. But, I think it's a topic that needs to become less "taboo" or be less in the shadows.

By its very nature, infertility is a heart-breaking thing that tests you to your limits. It feels like something that will never end. And while you can sometimes forget about it and enjoy other aspects of life, it is always lurking. For the women especially, every period you have is a painful reminder that you can't ignore even if you want to. Perhaps I'm weaker than other women who deal with this, but I will tell you that most days I feel very broken. Some days I wonder how I will even put aside this ache and go through my daily life.

And this is why infertility shouldn't be a secret thing anymore,  because those who deal with it need so much love, support, and understanding. This is why I've started telling you guys my story, because it isn't something I can handle on my own anymore.

I'm sorry that this post has been such a mess. In large part, I just wanted to update you all on where I'm at. And I really do mean to post more inspirational/ uplifting posts about how this is helping me grow. But, I think first, I have to share the parts about the hard things too. If you've read to this point, you're awesome, and I love you!

And, Happy Mother's Day to all you women out there! Because all of you, whether you have children or not, have a divine heritage and calling of Motherhood from our Heavenly Father.

(This is something I'm trying to learn that will hopefully show up in a later post, but if you're childless, like me, and need something to help you through this weekend, the little booklet "Are We Not All Mothers?" by Sheri Dew is a great place to start. It's based on a Conference talk she gave, which you can find here.)

The Stumbling Blocks of Infertility

I have been taught, and I believe, that God is aware of me and has a plan for my life. That any trial I go through will be "for [my] experience and will work for [my] good." Because I can look back and see how I've grown through past trials, I know that one day I will be able to understand why infertility was a part of God's plan for me. Even now I can see how it has brought me closer to the Lord and my husband.

However, that doesn't mean that it isn't presently a trial with a lot of downsides. Part of that is just because we're meant to go through trials so that we can grow. But I think that Satan also finds ways to try to make our trials harder, so that they become a stumbling block instead of a stepping stone. 

My experience isn't going to be exactly the same as everyone else who deals with infertility, but I imagine it's very similar. So let me tell a few of the ways Satan uses infertility to undermine faith and growth. 

Feeling Distanced From God

Sometimes this experience helps me feel closer to God. There have been times when I've felt his love for me so strongly, and I know he is aware of me and my struggle. But the rest of the time, it's hard not to feel like He's very far away.

Learning to trust the Lord's timing is very hard. And when you're waiting on the answer to a prayer for as long as I've been waiting, it's easy to think that maybe He just can't hear you. Or maybe He just doesn't care.

Most of the time though, I feel distanced from God because of another issue that infertility brings up:

Self-Doubt

One of the most painful affects of infertility is feeling like it's somehow your fault. I can't count the number of times I've wondered if we didn't have a baby yet because I wasn't healthy enough, wasn't righteous enough, wasn't prayerful enough, wasn't enough in so many ways. Maybe I'm not worthy of a baby because I forget to do my visiting teaching more often than I remember, or because I got angry at Jacob the other day for something stupid.

In my heart, I know that's not really how God works most of the time, but in the moments when my heart is sorrowful, in the moments when I really just don't understand why we're still waiting, those doubts creep in and make the heartache even worse.

And when I'm not bogged down doubting myself, I struggle with how I feel about people around me. Because Satan is also using this thing in my life to try me with:

Jealousy/Anger/Judgement

Perhaps other people don't struggle with this as much as I do, but it has been a real fight for me to deal with these feelings. I'm still trying to teach myself not to feel these things whenever I hear that yet another person I know is pregnant.

I can't see a baby or toddler or pregnant woman without feeling extreme jealousy. Generally even when the kids are throwing a fit. (That is one bonus of this trial; whiny, noisy kids don't bother  me much anymore.) Now, I think a little bit of jealousy is understandable in this situation, but sometimes I find my jealousy getting out of hand.

I start feeling judgmental or angry. I start thinking things like, "What makes them so much more worthy than me?" Or, "How do they even expect to handle a kid, they're both still in school and make hardly any money and live in a tiny apartment, Jacob and I could provide for a baby better."

I'm ashamed of how angry I can feel at what I perceive to be lack of understanding from the women I know who didn't have to wait for a baby. I once overheard someone talking about how it took them "a while" to get pregnant, referring to three months. In my head I thought, "How could they say that, they have no idea what they're talking about. How dare they." I'm still telling myself that a. they didn't even know I was listening, b. they had no idea at the time how long we'd been trying for and c. they don't know any better, for them that was a while.

I even find myself getting jealous or judgmental of people I don't know. I hate that Facebook somehow feels like it makes sense for me to see every post my friends like, which includes when they like a baby announcement for people I don't know. Even worse are those rare news stories about women who go to the doctor with a stomach ache and end up giving birth when they didn't even know they were pregnant. I mean, seriously, how can they not know?

These feelings are awful, and I'm really trying to overcome them, especially because they add to the last trial I'm going to talk about:

Feeling Distanced From Other People

Jacob and I are kind of not the most social people in the first place. He's kind of a homebody, and most of the time I'm okay with that, but sometimes I do feel lonely. You see, while I love the friends we do have, sometimes its hard to relate with them. Most of our friends are either still single, or they already have kids. It's hard for my unmarried friends to relate to most things having to do with my marriage (which is obviously a huge part of my life), and I can't easily relate to anything having to do with kids (which is obviously a huge part of your life if you have kids).

And even when I know my friends' (or family members') children and love them and can relate to some conversations about them, being around kids always reminds me of the heartache of not having my own. I can try (and sometimes succeed) to put that out of my mind and enjoy game nights or girls' nights, but it isn't always easy. 

By extension, this often makes church and church activities hard for me. There are so many young families in our ward, so there are kids everywhere! Jacob and I used to get a lot of joy from watching the silly things toddlers do during Sacrament meeting, and to some extent we still do. But now there is always an element of wistfulness for me.

Additionally, as I've mentioned before, infertility is a lonely thing. If there are couples we know who are dealing with this, I don't know about it, because it's not really something that people talk about it. And while I have a lot of people who care about me and try to be there to support me, there aren't many people I can talk to about what I'm experiencing.

I do know a couple of people who experienced this in the past, but they have children now. They have been wonderful in understanding that I'm really probably not okay most of the time, and they've had good advice. I am grateful for them, and I'm not saying they don't remember the heartache, but they are removed from it.

This means it's difficult to feel like I can really connect with people around me. And when you feel alone, it's even easier to feel overwhelmed with doubt and sorrow.

Anyway, these are just a few of the things I've been going through. If you have loved ones or friends who are also dealing with infertility, they're probably dealing with similar things. So if they seem grumpy or angry or even just distant, be understanding. Give them time and love. And when I'm being grumpy, angry, anti-social and distant (because I know I sometimes am), please be patient with me. I'm working on overcoming these things, but it's a slow process.

Our Infertility Experience

I have been thinking about writing this blog post for at least a few months, but for a long time I didn't feel like I could. I didn't feel like I could write a post about infertility because our experience wasn't "official." We haven't seen any specialists yet and there hasn't been a diagnosis. Part of me felt like I wasn't justified in claiming to be a representative of those struggling with infertility.

 But, I've come to the conclusion that feeling that way was wrong. My heartache isn't any less, nor is the waiting any easier. And on top of that, I've now had my regular doctor suggest that I do see a fertility specialist. So, I've decided it's finally time to tell my story. Too often, those who deal with infertility suffer in lonely silence because it's something that isn't often talked about. If sharing my story can help just one person who is suffering to feel less alone, or one person who has never gone through this to understand just a little more, then it will be worth it. 

There is a lot I can say about my experience and my feelings, and lessons I am learning that I plan to share. However, I can't fit it all in one post, so for now I'll just tell you the facts of our experience. 

When Jacob and I first got married, I was fine with waiting to start our family. We both still had at least a year of school left, and I wanted time to learn how to be a wife before I took on being a mother. After I graduated, and as time passed, I become more impatient to start our family. But while Jacob was still looking for a permanent job, I was okay with waiting. But as soon as he found his job, I was ready to be done with birth control, ready to finally welcome a little one to our family. 

So, a little over two years ago I stopped taking the pill and started hoping. I knew that it would probably take about three months for the hormones in my body to get balanced again, but I hoped we wouldn't have to wait much longer than that for me to get pregnant. But three months came and went, and then three more months, and nothing. At this point the fears started to creep in; what if something was wrong, what if I could never get pregnant? There were a few months when I was a little late and I'd take a pregnancy test, wishing and hoping and praying that it would be positive. When it wasn't, I was disappointed, but I was still hopeful. And told myself that I would wait until we hit a year of trying before I let myself worry that much. But waiting was still hard.

Then, shortly before we hit the year mark I was waiting for, I started to have some strange symptoms that led to me seeing my doctor and getting some blood tests. They showed that my prolactin levels (a hormone) were a little high, but not at an alarming level. So, we decided we'd wait a month and then I'd get my blood tested again. In November 2013, when I went back to have them tested, my levels were even higher. At that point, my doctor told me that the most likely cause was something called a prolactinoma, a small tumor in my pituitary gland that was causing extra production of prolactin in my body. So, we scheduled an MRI to see if that was really what was going on. 

At this point, I was pretty freaked out. While I understood that this kind of tumor wasn't usually cancerous, it was still scary. I mean, I had to get an MRI! In my head, only people with serious issues needing something like that. So, I scheduled my appointment and went into it anxious and scared. (Side note: MRIs don't scare me anymore, and after two, I feel like pro. They're just really, really loud, annoying, and boring.)

When the results of the MRI came back, they confirmed my doctor's suspicions. I had a tumor in my pituitary. But there was good news too; the tumor wasn't cancerous, and it was tiny. In fact, in most cases with such a small tumor, they wouldn't have even bothered with treatment. But, my doctor knew I wanted to get pregnant and that my high prolactin levels would mean that probably wasn't possible until something was done, so she sent me to an endocrinologist for treatment. 

At the end of December 2013, I met with my endocrinologist and was put on a medication that should shrink my tumor and hopefully get rid of it completely. I'd be on that for six months, and then we'd do another MRI and see if the treatment was working. While I was glad that there was an available treatment, the downside was that we wouldn't even be able to try to get pregnant during that time. I'd already waited a year for a baby, and now I was being told that the wait would have to be even longer. It was especially hard because the meds would have actually made it more likely that we could get pregnant, I just would have had to stop taking them if that did happen, and they wanted to make sure the treatment was as complete as possible. 

The six months passed, but they seemed to last forever. My symptoms went away quickly and a blood test at three months in showed that my prolactin levels were lower, so we were hopeful the treatment was working. The results of the second MRI came back with no signs of the tumor, and I was so happy. There was a chance that the tumor could come back if I went off of the treatment, but when I told my endocrinologist that we really wanted to get pregnant, he agreed that it would be okay for me to go off the meds for the time being and start trying again, I just had to have a follow up appointment with him six months later. 

I was thrilled. Finally, we could start trying to expand our family again. Life was fantastic, and after six months of being mostly depressed, I was happy and hopeful again. Then, in August 2014, my symptoms started coming back. For the first day or two, I was in denial, but as they didn't disappear again, my joy plummeted. So, I made another appointment with my endocrinologist, and the blood tests they did showed that my prolactin levels were back up. I didn't have another MRI, but it was easy to assume that my tumor was back. While it's probably still tiny, the doctor said it was really active. 

So, I went back on the medication again. This time, we're allowed to keep trying to get pregnant, with the plan that I will just go off the meds if/when that happens. I'm pretty sure that's the only way I was able to handle this setback without completely breaking. Until then, I have a follow up with my endocrinologist every few months to test my prolactin levels. They're under control again, but as my regular doctor said to me, it's basically 100% sure that the craziness with them has had some role to play with us not getting pregnant. 

I don't know how much longer we'll have to wait, and every day and month that passes breaks my heart a little more. I don't know exactly what is keeping us from getting pregnant. I'm currently working on getting in to see a specialist my doctor recommended, but for now, all we can do is wait and hope and pray. And so far, that is our story.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me. In the next few days I plan to write a post or two with more details of how this experience has affected me and what I'm trying to learn from it, but since this post is already rather long, I'll be done for now. Just keep an eye out for more posts. And, if you have specific questions you want answered, feel free to ask them and I'll do my best. 

For Those Really Crappy Days

This week has been a difficult week for me, and today was especially crappy. You know, one of those days when you hope no one will ask you how you are, because if you really think about it you might break down. But at the same time you really hope someone will notice that you’re not okay, because hey, you’re really not okay and maybe you just need a listening ear or a hug.

I don’t deal well with trials and adversity. I know most of the time we’re given trials so that we can learn and grow, but learning and growing is hard! For me, it’s especially hard to be patient while the learning and growing takes place.  This blog isn’t meant to go into details about the personal trials I’m having right now, but suffice it to say, they are hard. And some days I feel like I will never see the end of them. But, at the same time I have been able to find a measure of peace. In large part this is because of my faith and trust in the Lord and the promises I have had from Him that I will get through this. But, I have also found some outside sources that have made things a little easier.

I don’t claim to be an expert at overcoming the sorrow that can come with trials, but I thought I’d share some of the steps that have helped me, and some of the outside sources I turn to for peace. (Note that my faith plays an important role in how I deal with trials. I’m pretty sure most of you who will be reading this have the same beliefs as me, but if you don’t, just bear with it.)

First of all, count your blessings. I know this is one of the hardest things to hear when you’re going through a hard time and you feel like you don’t have any blessings. But the truth is, it can help. In particular, remember the times in the past when you’ve overcome trials. Remember when the Lord has been there for you, and when you have felt His love.

However, counting your blessings doesn’t mean pretending that everything is perfect. You have to be honest about the way you are feeling. It’s okay to feel sorrow, frustration, impatience, etc. If you need a good cry, let yourself have a good cry. When people ask you how you are, you don’t have to say you’re good, or even fine. If you don’t want to be telling everyone how you’re doing, that’s okay. But, find at least one person that you can confide in.

Even more importantly, you should be honest with the Lord about the way you are feeling. It’s not useful to dwell on questions like “why is this happening to me?” or “what have I done to deserve this?” But it’s okay to let Him know you’re struggling. I’d even say it’s essential. One of the most precious experiences I’ve ever had happened when I poured out my heart in prayer, telling the Lord that I didn’t understand why I was going through a given trial, and that I had no idea how to get through it. My most meaningful prayers are those that stray away from being formulaic, when I truly talk to my Father in Heaven as my Father. Feeling His love and concern for me as I speak with Him is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

Once you’ve told the Lord how you’re feeling, keep an open heart and look for any answers or counsel He may have for you. For me, this means reading the scriptures and conference talks. It means listening to music that brings peace to my heart. If you have a patriarchal blessing, this is a great time to read it. Even if there isn’t something in it that will directly apply to your current situation, it can be a great reminder of the fact that Heavenly Father is aware of you, that He knows you personally and that He loves you. At the end of this post I’ll share a couple of my go-to scriptures, conference talks, and songs.

And finally, when you’ve had your good cry and found some comfort, the best thing you can do is to find something to occupy your mind. Find something that will make you laugh. Finally take care of that project you’ve been putting off. Serve someone. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it takes you out of your head and lets you step away from your trial for a short time. Don’t let your trial become your life. This can be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you’re going through something big that does greatly affect your life. But, it is an important step. Remember, “men are that they might have joy.”

And, as promised, here are some of the scriptures, conference talks, and songs that I turn to when I’m having a bad day.

Scriptures
D&C 121:7-8 has long been one of my favorites. It reads:
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

D&C 58:3-4 This is a recent favorite, it was shared in a sacrament meeting on a day when I was really struggling, and it was just what I needed to hear. It says:
3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

Some other good ones include D&C 122: 7-9, D&C 24:8, D&C 78:18, Isaiah 41:10 and 13, and Alma 36:3. There are so many other good scriptures out there, but you’ll have to find them on your own.

Conference Talks
Not all Conference talks will “speak” to you in the same way they do to me, but some great ones about dealing with trials include:
"Continue in Patience" – Pres. Uchtdorf April 2010
"Happiness, Your Heritage" – Pres. Uchtdorf Oct 2008
"Trust in the Lord" – Elder Scott October 1995
"Come What May, and Love It" – Elder Wirthlin Oct 2008
"But If Not…" - Elder Dennis E. Simmons April 2004

Songs
It’s Not Heavy from The Best Two Years soundtrack
Firstborn - Becky Garrett
Hold On, The Light Will Come – Michael McLean
He’ll Carry You and Never Alone – Hilary Weeks

Like I said, I’m not an expert, but I hope that just maybe this post will help at least one person through whatever trial they’re facing. And, I’m not always the greatest listener, but if you do need someone, I’m willing to try.

I Need Your Help

So, fun fact about me: I get bored really really easily. I've heard that only boring people get bored, and if that's the case, I guess I must be the one of the dullest people in existence. Anyway, I often get tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. But, sadly, I also have a really hard time going out of my comfort zone and doing something new. And I'm really bad at thinking of things to do.

What does this mean for me? I often want to break out of the norm or go on an adventure, but I rarely do because I just can't seem to get the motivation to make it happen. This tends to make me feel a little disappointed with my life and how I'm living it. 

In an attempt to overcome my own shortcomings, and to find a little more joy in life, I've decided to make a list of 30 things I want to do before I'm 30. I've already got a few ideas, and not everything on the list will be a huge thing, or even something I've never done before, but I want to set some goals to get myself going. I hope to have a good solid list compiled by my birthday. 

This is where you come in: I need ideas! No guarantees that I'll put them all on my list, but I know you can all help me with the brainstorming. Some ideas I have already: go to Disneyland (yeah, I've never been), reread the standard works, develop a new hobby or talent (what specifically is yet to be determined), become a mom (I'm actually really hoping this happens before I'm 27, but I'm including it anyway), and own a home (whether that's a condo, townhome, or actual house, I just want to be done renting)

At the same time, I'd love to get some ideas of smaller things I, and Jacob, and can do in the short-term to break up the daily monotony. Ideas for date nights, weekend adventures, quick projects to do in an evening, or anything in between, would be totally welcome. Please, for the sake of my sanity, share your ideas with me! I know many of you are so much better than I am at finding the little adventures in life.

Added bonus: if you give me ideas of things to do, I'll actually have a reason to write on my blog more often and keep you all updated on my life! From time to time, I think "hmm...I should write on my blog sometime," but then I remember I have nothing to tell you all. And we all know how much you wish I updated this blog more. ;)

Father's Day

Today is Father’s Day. And, while I hope that I let my father (and the world) know how grateful I am for him on a more frequent basis then once a year on a dedicated holiday, I still think it’s a great opportunity to acknowledge the role he plays in my life. In truth, I’ve probably always been more of a momma’s girl, but, I cannot recall ever doubting that my daddy loved me. And, I am so grateful for years of memories we have made together.

I have vague recollections of flying a kite with Dad, and of learning how to ride my bike. When I was in seventh grade and looking for more books to devour, my dad suggested I try reading The Hobbit. He’d read that and the Lord of the Rings series when he was a growing up, and thought I might like them. He was right, and I read all four books. Then, the movies started coming out and Lord of the Rings kind of became “our thing.” One year for Christmas he bought me the boxed book set, and I bought us tickets to the movie. The next year for Christmas, he bought us tickets to the movie and we went together again. My dad was never as big on reading as I am, but because of me, he also read the Harry Potter series. I don’t know if he realizes how much it means to me that he read those books so that he could try and connect with me, since I didn’t really do the soccer thing he and my siblings did.

My dad also taught me how to fish, and to love the Windrivers. He taught me to work hard, and let me know that he’d always support me in what I wanted to do, and that as long as I was giving 100% and doing my best, I’d done a great job. While Mom did some of the work, Dad was the one who really taught me to drive. On foggy Saturday mornings, we’d drive up the Ogden canyon to Morgan, and then turn around and come back home, all because I had to get my freeway hours in, but was scared to drive on busy I-15. It’s also his fault that I love Christmas lights, and that I’m really pick about not just what goes on my Christmas tree, but where exactly it’s placed.

But I think what I’m most grateful for is that he taught me to love the Lord, and that he raised me as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He didn’t just teach me by word, but also by deed. I never doubted that my dad, (and my mom), knew the Church was true. When I was a child, I leaned on their testimonies while they taught me how to develop my own. My family, and the gospel, are the two most important things in my life, and I wouldn’t be who I was today without either one of them.

Lately, there has been quite a bit of talk about the Church and various doctrines and some people who think that Church leaders need to “get with the times” so to speak. I’ve kind of voiced my opinions on the issues being discussed once before on this blog, so I don’t want to go into too much detail, but I do want to say a couple of things:

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Christ’s church on the earth today. I know it was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith, and that the priesthood authority he received is still on the earth today. I know that President Thomas S. Monson is the Lord’s chosen prophet to lead the Church today and that his councilors and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are also prophets, seers, and revelators. Through them, Christ leads His church today. I believe that their words are His words. I love and firmly believe in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I believe that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” and that “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

As a woman in the Church, I have never been made to feel inferior or unworthy. Instead, I constantly feel the love of our leaders as they talk about the importance of women and the impact we can have on individuals, our families, the Church, and the world. They are continually speaking of our goodness, and our potential, and of the great necessity for righteous women in the world today. I do not understand everything about the priesthood, but I do know that just because I can’t be ordained to an office, doesn’t mean I don’t have access to its power or that I am a second-class citizen in my religion.

I also know that this church is not a democracy. It is a kingship, with Christ as its head, and this church is run by Him. Doctrine is not decided or changed on the whims of priesthood leaders, and will not be changed according to the opinions and demands of individuals or society at large. While I may not understand all the reasoning behind the doctrines and principles of the Church, I do know who is at the head of it, and I know that I have made covenants to honor and sustain my leaders. I trust them, I trust the Lord, and I trust that one day I will understand all these things. Until that day, I am and will be forever grateful that I know that God speaks to His people today, just as He always has. And I know that when I have questions I can turn to him in prayer and faith.

I know that I can receive personal revelation, and that God cares about me as an individual. Ten years ago on Father’s Day I received my patriarchal blessing. I do not read it as often as I should, but I have read it many times. It has offered me comfort and encouragement when I have been going through trials or simply having a tough day. It makes me want to be a better person so that I can live up to His faith in me and be worthy of promised blessings. Reading it has always strengthened my testimony of the fact that I have a Father in Heaven. That He knows who I am. That He knows me by name, that He loves me, that He believes in me, and that He has a plan for me and my life. It helps me know that as long as I am striving to do my best, He will make up the difference. It reminds me that all He wants for me is to be able to return home to live with him and my family for eternity.

So today, I am grateful for my dad. I am grateful for his love and all that he has taught me. I am especially grateful that he has taught me about my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful that as a kid I learned to sing, “I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-day Saints. I know who I am, I know God’s plan, I’ll follow Him in faith” and that my parents did their best to teach me what that meant.

I hope that this post has come across as one of love and of faith, and if not I apologize for my imperfections. I still have so much to work on to become the person I’m meant to be, but I am grateful for everyone who has played a part in who I am, and in my desire to be better.

I got a job!

That's right, I finally got a job! And I am so excited!

However, because it is full time 8-5, it means my life just got a LOT busier, so I need your help! I need to come up with dinners that I can either fix in advance, or fix really fast once I get home from work (or have Jacob fix once he gets home). I'm sure some of you have some awesome recipes to help me out. And I really hope that this time my request for recipes actually reaps some rewards. Cause last time I didn't get any! But, I love you guys and am sure you will make up for it by sending me lots of recipes this time, right?

I also just want to say thank you! I know so many of you have been praying for me as I've job searched and interviewed, etc. I'm sure those prayers are part of the reason I finally found a job. And not just any job, but a job that will actually use the skills I spent 4yrs of school gaining, and for a pretty great company that I think will be a good fit for me. So thank you again! I know my life is blessed in so many ways by all of you!

Handprints on my Heart

This is a post I've actually been thinking about writing for a while, but I keep putting it off because I'm not sure how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. But, it just keeps coming to mind, so I figured, I might as well try.

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be the type of person who had that one group of best friends, who they were best friends with for their entire life. In fact, I was absolutely sure that was going to be me and my friends. But then it wasn't. We were still friends, but over time we drifted apart and didn't spend as much time together. So, I made a new group friends and I told myself; this is it, this time we'll be best friends forever. But once again time went by, we changed, and grew apart. And the cycle has repeated itself numerous times. For a long time this bothered me, and some times I even wondered if there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't keep a best friend for more than a few years. However, as I've gotten older, and hopefully wiser, I've realized that what was happening was simply life. Not everyone is going to have one group of friends for their entire life, no matter what TV shows or movies may say.

I've also realized that what this means for me is that I have been blessed with many, many best friends over the years. And I would not be who I am today without each and every one of them. It also means that I am still blessed with many good friends. Sure, there are some of my friends who aren't a part of my life at all anymore, who I've completely lost touch with. But, for the most part, I can still say that I'm friends with most of them. Even if most of our contact is on facebook, I still love keeping track of how they're doing, and I know that if I ever really needed them, they'd be there for me.

So, one of the main reasons I am writing this post is to say thank you. I know that not all of the people I'm writing this post for are actually going to see it, but nevertheless, I need to express my gratitude. From my first friends in elementary school, to my high school friends, and college roommates, each of them has played a huge part in who I am today. And I have so many fantastic memories! There is a song from the musical Wicked that I absolutely love called "For Good" (you can listen to it here if you'd like) but I feel like it expressed a lot of what I feel about all of my past friendships. Part of me just wants to copy all of the lyrics right here for you, but that may be a bit excessive. So I'll just share a couple of lines that stick out to me:

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

I do know that it's true, that each person who has played a part in my life was placed there for a reason. Another part that stick out to me says;

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done,
You blamed me for.

That's something else that I've felt a lot of lately. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn about myself in the past couple years is that I have a rather selfish streak to me. It's something I've been working hard to change, but I still have a long way to go. For a long time, when my friendships would drift apart, I'd blame it on the other person, or the other people, but now I know it was just as much my fault or my responsibility. And so, here and now I am apologizing for anything I ever did, or perhaps didn't do, that may have damaged one of my friendships. I think for a long time I was very focused on me and the difficult things I was going through. And perhaps I wasn't always the easiest person to love, but for the most part, you guys loved me anyway. And I will forever be grateful for that.

And finally, I want to take the opportunity to say that if you ever need me, I'm here. I may not always be the best at showing it, but I care very much for each and every one of you. I think perhaps if people knew how much I cared and how much I love hearing about how they're doing even years after we've been very close, they might think it was weird. But, I spend a lot of time alone these days, and I have a lot of time to think. And you'd be surprised how much of my time I spend thinking about all my friends and the wonderful times we had. I think I almost value my past friendships more now than I did when I was in them.

So I guess what this really comes down to is: I love you guys, and I am so grateful for each of you in my life. Thank you for making me who I am today.

Looking for Tasty Recipes

Happy New Years friends and family! Jacob and I are doing well and had a good Christmas and New Years. I was also able to spend a wonderful week in December with Sarah (my sister) and her family in Washington. It was wonderful to finally meet my newest adorable niece Autumn and spend time having fun with her big sisters Evelyn and Leah. Perhaps I'll get around to a blog post about it with some pictures, but for now just know that I had a wonderful time. I cherished the laughter and hugs and random "I love you"s from Evelyn and Leah, and the snuggles I got from Autumn. And just as good were the evenings after the girls got to bed and Sarah and I were so tired we'd end up giggling about the silliest things. It was also great to spend time with Matt, though I didn't see him as much I would have liked because they kept calling him into work. I am also extremely grateful to Jacob for letting me leave him for a week, I missed him a lot and it was nice to get back home to him at the end of the week.

So, with that small update let me move on to the real reason for this post: one of my New Year's goals. I really want to broaden the number of recipes I make and am familiar with, so this year one of my goals is to learn at least one new recipe every month. And, because Jacob and I are both trying to lose weight, I am specifically looking for healthy recipes we can both enjoy. This is where you guys come in. If you have a recipe you just love (whether it's healthy or not) I would love to get it from you in a comment or in an e-mail (if you don't have my e-mail and want it, let me know in a comment and I'll get it to you). I know so many of you are wonderful cooks and have stores of tasty recipes, so I'd love to have any of them you're willing to share!

Hopefully I'll be better at writing on this here blog in 2014 than I was in 2013, but until my next post know that I love you all, and that I am so grateful for all of you and the many other blessings I have been given. As you've seen from previous posts I've spent quite a while struggling with feeling unhappy with my life, but lately I've realized that even if my life isn't perfect, it IS good. And I have so much to be grateful for! (Including the delicious recipes I'm sure you're all going to share with me.)

P.S. perhaps if I get enough tasty recipes, I'll share a couple of our favorites with you in return in my next post. Nothing like bribery to get what you want, right.

My thoughts on some current controversies

Let me preface this post with a warning that I will be addressing a couple of political/religious topics that I’ve seen discussed lately. I am not writing this post in an attempt to make everyone think the way I do, to pass judgment, or to start a debate. I am writing this post mostly for my own sake. I do not often take part in these types of discussion or post my opinions/views, but I’ve decided I want to at this point, because I am not ashamed of what I believe and who I am. I have not read everything out there on any of these topics, and I do not claim to be an expert who knows everything, these are simply my beliefs and my feelings. If you wish to comment with your own thoughts feel free to do so, but I am not likely to respond to them, especially if I feel doing so would start an argument or debate. I will note that this post is quite long, and I do not want any of my friends or family members to feel like I will be hurt if they do not read all, or even any of this post. Once again, I am mostly posting this for my own benefit, to know that I have done so and have clearly stated where I stand on these issues. That being said, here I go.

I’m going to start with what is probably the topic I’ve seen the most discussion about: same-sex marriage. (And I once again repeat, I am not trying to tell other they have to see things the way I do)I believe that homosexuality goes against our nature as God’s divine children, especially when acted upon. That being said, I am against same-sex marriage. I believe that it will eventually prove to have negative effects on society as a whole. As a member of the LDS or Mormon Church, my opinion on this topic is largely influenced by what my church leaders have said on this topic. In 1995 Gordon B. Hinckley (then president and prophet of the church) along with the rest of the First Presidency and the Twelve Apostles, issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” I will be quoting parts of the proclamation, but you can find the whole text here. I believe the Proclamation on the Family is pretty clear on where the church stands on this matter. It starts by saying, “We . . . solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” and later continues with “we further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” And then, a couple paragraphs before the end there are two sentences that are the best summation of my opinion and the reasons behind them, “The Family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (emphasis mine). The Proclamation ends by calling upon “responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” Since this statement was issued, many church leaders have reiterated the meaning and sentiment of the Proclamation, making it clear that their opinion on the matter has not changed. Just because my opinions and beliefs are based on and coincide with those of my church leaders, I do not think this means my opinion is uneducated, naïve, or old-fashioned. I do not listen to them blindly, but have a personal testimony that what they say on this matter is true. Now, what I am going to say next may very well upset some people or lead them to try and debate with me, but this is my blog and I want to state my opinion here. About the recent discussion and votes on same-sex marriage. There seems to be the feeling that I don’t really have a reason or a place to be against it because whether some random homosexual couple gets married won’t affect me. Let me ask you how it affects me for some random guy somewhere to be allowed to smoke marijuana? I can’t really think of anything. But, I would vote against legalizing marijuana because I think it would have negative effects on society. I would vote against same-sex marriage for the exact same reason. I believe it would have negative effects on society. You can see the Church’s opinion on the matter here, where it also states that “The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman ‘neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.’ On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated.” And that “The Church has advocated for rights for same-sex couples regarding “hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights, so long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the traditional family or the constitutional rights of churches.”

Second topic of discussion: abortion. I haven’t seen as much discussion on this topic, probably because most of the people I know would agree with my opinion on this matter. But regardless, with the trial of Dr. Kermit Gosnell going on, it has come up. (I haven’t read much on the case, but if you don’t know what it is, here is a short article with some information). Once again, my opinions on this matter coincide with those of my church leaders. You can find the official policy of the church on abortion here, but the gist of it is that “Human life is a sacred gift from God. Elective abortion for personal or social convenience is contrary to the will and the commandments of God. . . . Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion.” I don’t really think I can be any more straight forward than that, so that’s all I feel I need to say on this topic.

On to the third topic: Women in the Church. This one isn’t really a huge deal, but when I hear others say they feel like women are somehow inferior in the LDS church…I seriously have to wonder how they feel that way. First of all, they make a big deal about things that seem silly to me, like wearing pants to church, or a sister saying the prayer in Conference. Nobody makes you wear a dress or skirt to church! We are asked to do so out of respect for our Father in Heaven and his house. I’m sure if you ask the men, they might be happier wearing jean and a t-shirt too, or at least going without a tie, but they wear their white shirt and tie and dress pants because it’s what they’ve been asked to do to show respect for our Father. As for the prayer in this last Conference session; I suppose that was kind of cool. . . but people, sisters have been speaking in Conference years! Isn’t that more important as a sign that women are appreciated and respected in our church? In one news article about the prayer I read this, “For most of the LDS Church’s history, its General Conferences have ‘tended to be pretty much male-oriented meetings,’ said Andrea-Radke Moss, a historian at church-owned Brigham Young University-Idaho, ‘simply because the [Mormon women’s] Relief Society had carved out its own autonomous space for female discourse, prayer, etc., at their own conferences.’” That being said, it actually makes me feel sad when women in the church feel unappreciated or inferior, because they are somehow missing out on so many beautiful and empowering statements from church leaders about the importance of women in the church. If you ever doubt how valued you are in the LDS church, please see the church’s page on Women in the Church which can be found here. There you will find links to just a few of the talks from church leaders stating their feelings about women in the church. In those talks they say things like, “LDS women are incredible!”, “How thankful I am, how thankful we all must be, for the women in our lives” and “As we look at the history of this earth and at the history of the restored Church of Jesus Christ, it becomes obvious that women hold a special place in our Father’s plan for the eternal happiness and well-being of His children. I hope that my dear sisters throughout the world—grandmothers, mothers, aunts, and friends—never underestimate the power of their influence for good, especially in the lives of our precious children and youth!” As a woman in the church I recognize that just because I cannot hold the Priesthood, I am not inferior. I have access to all the blessings of the priesthood in my life, but beyond that I have the divine responsibility and ability to bring our Heavenly Father’s children to this earth, to raise them and nurture them. Without me and the other women the Father’s sacred plan would not operate.

Finally, I’d like to address the whole tolerance, acceptance, compassion, hate mix that comes up lately when there are arguments or discussion about any of the above topics and many others. There has been a great quote floating around the internet lately that says “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” This quote pretty much gives my opinion on this matter, but I’d like to include some of my own thoughts and examples that I think apply. First of all, if that first statement were true it would mean that I was afraid of or hated everyone who drank, got tattoos, had sex outside of marriage, used swear words, thought reading was stupid, abused the welfare system, used drugs, and any other number of people. And that, frankly, is ridiculous! Now then, let’s get less general here. I have a number of extended family members who do some of these things, and I don’t fear or hate them. In fact, I love them! I can get even more specific. One of my best friends growing up moved to another state just before high school, and then decided to let us know that he was “gay” (I don’t really like using that term, but it’ll do). At the time, I didn’t really know how to react and combined with the fact that he lived in a different state, we grew apart. We are facebook friends, but we hardly ever talk. Yet, I can honestly say I still love and care about him. He may not have any idea how much, because I still make it clear that I don’t support his lifestyle decision, but I do. Every time he has posted about graduating, or getting a new job, or finding a great new apartment, it makes me happy to hear about his happiness and success. For those who feel like if you love someone means you have to support everything they believe and do, let me ask if parents should allow their children to do drugs or drop out of school? Or from another personal example of mine; when I was in college one of my best friends started dating a guy who I thought was not a good influence on her, or good for her in general. I made it clear that was how I felt, and I kept making that clear even when it started to cause problems in our friendship. I didn’t do this because I didn’t like seeing her happy, or because I didn’t love her. In fact I did it because I did love her; I loved her enough to put our friendship in danger because I wanted to protect her from something I thought would be harmful for her.

Some people may use the situation of Christ and the women taken in adultery to state that we are not being tolerant enough as Christians. They quote his saying, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” However, I don’t think this argument is really that valid. First of all, let me point out that I am not saying we should stone/kill those who choose a different lifestyle then me. Second, as a member of the LDS church I believe in the Joseph Smith Translation of the Bible, which changes Mathew 7:1 from “Judge not, that ye be not judged” to “Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged: but judge righteous judgment.” Christ does not teach that we can never judge when others are sinning or acting badly, only that we must be sure we do not do so unrighteously. Or as President Packer put is so well this last Conference, “Alma taught that ‘the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.’ In order to understand this, we must separate the sin from the sinner. For example, when they brought before the Savior a woman taken in adultery, obviously guilty, He dismissed the case with five words: ‘Go, and sin no more.’ That is the spirit of His ministry. Tolerance is a virtue, but like all virtues, when exaggerated, it transforms itself into a vice. We need to be careful of the ‘tolerance trap’ so that we are not swallowed up in it. The permissiveness afforded by the weakening of the laws of the land to tolerate legalized acts of immorality does not reduce the serious spiritual consequence that is the result of the violation of God’s law of chastity.” (You can find his talk in its entirety here)

In conclusion I would like once again to state that these are my beliefs and feelings, and I know they may not all be stated in the most elegant fashion. If you feel there are flaws in what I have said, you are free to feel that way. And once again I repeat that I do not mean to demean any who disagree with me, I do not intend to force you all to my side of these issues, and I do not wish to start any debates or arguments. This is simply a statement of my belief and feelings. I know I am not perfect, and I try every day to be a better person. I cannot say I have been perfect in the way I have addressed these matters now or in the past, and I strive to follow my leader’s counsel to “more loving and compassionate” as I discuss these issues and interact with those who disagree with me. I hope that we can all do the same, no matter how we feel about these matters.