Reflecting on High School

Tomorrow is my 10 year high school reunion, so I've been thinking a lot about high school this week. I've been thinking about who I care about seeing, whether they'll care about seeing me, who I was in high school, etc. I'm not even sure I'll post this, but for some reason I feel like I just need to get some of these thoughts recorded, maybe to help me sort through them, so here goes.

I wasn't super popular in high school, but I also wasn't a loner. I had a few close friends that I spent my lunches with and did things with on weekends, and then there was a slightly larger group of people that I was friends with but only did things with every once in a while. And then there were a lot of people who were more than acquaintances but that I never really did anything with outside of school. And, I was okay with that for the most part.

But here's the thing. As Jacob and I were dating/first married, we realized something about me; I geek out about people. We discovered this because I'd come home and I'd get all excited about something I had to tell him, and he'd expect some funny or crazy story from my day and all I'd really have to tell him would be that I ran into someone I knew on campus and got caught up with them on their life. So, I really love interacting with people and care a lot about people I know.

But here's the problem, I kind of suck at socializing. I always have. I'm bad at letting people really get to know me and I'm bad at planning get togethers and I'm bad at staying in touch with friends. The truth is, I've always been really insecure, maybe more than I realize or than other people can tell. In so many social situations I find myself thinking about how I'm coming across to the people around me and worrying about what they might think of me. If I plan something I worry about whether or not people will want to come and then if they don't come I feel like they must not like me at all. And then I get all shy and awkward. So I was bad at building friendships, and I'd often feel like I was on the outside circle of gatherings and didn't know how to make myself really fit in or feel like I did. And I never knew if it was all in my head or if everyone else felt like I didn't really fit either.

I hope that makes sense. The older I get, the more I realize how ridiculous those feelings are and how much I kind of self-sabotage my chances to build friendships and relationship and how much I may have done that in the past. I'm trying to learn to move past those types of insecurities, but there are even less chances to practice building friendships as an adult than there are when you're in high school. And even fewer now that I'm a stay-at-home mom who barely interacts with any other adults most days. But I really want to figure it all out, because the truth is I get kind of lonely a lot of the time. It doesn't help that Jacob isn't very social either and then things happen like living in a ward for a year and still hardly knowing anybody beyond the people I visit teach or who home or visit teach us.

So maybe that's the real reason I'm writing this. To remind myself that I regret not being more open and friendly in high school. To remind myself that I want to be different. And perhaps even more importantly, to thank those of you who have maybe looked past my awkwardness and built friendships with me. And to apologize if I ever seem distant or if I forget to plan a get together with you when I mentioned we should do something. It may not always seem like it, but I promise that if you're in my life I genuinely care about you and how you're doing. I probably Facebook stalk you from time to time to figure out what you're up to. I just may feel too unsure about reaching out and doing more than that.

Anyway, if you've read this post of self-reflection, thanks for caring. And thanks for making my life a little less lonely.