What is happening to me?!

I know that a lot of you are probably thinking about that youtube video now, you know the one, "David after the Dentist".
And if you aren't thinking about it because you haven't seen it, see it! It is hilarious! And then after you watch it you should watch the Chad Vader version as well, because that also is hilarious.

But, that's not what I'm talking about at all. The fact is that I've been asking myself that question about lots of things lately.

Today it's because I absolutely cannot get myself to study for a test I have tomorrow. That's not like me. School has always been my thing. Sometimes I've felt like it's the only thing I know how to do, at least well. So, although I'll complain about homework as much as the next person, it's always been relatively easy for me to get around to doing it. Not this semester. When I just have to read, I am fine. In fact I use my reading homework to avoid my other homework, like studying and writing papers and coming up with ideas for projects. Because working on those things that really should be done first, it's like pulling teeth. Tonight I sat and banged my head against the couch(literally, just ask Jacob) for like five minutes before forcing myself to study for my test on Edgar Allen Poe. Studying lasted for about twenty or thirty minutes. Then I resorted to washing dishes. . . What is happening to me?!

Also, I still get moments of anger and frustration that come out of no where. This has been happening for a few months, and it's even getting better. But it is still so hard to deal with. I feel like I'm not in control of myself sometimes, and that scares me. I wish I understood what is happening to me.

Third. Sometimes I feel really really lonely. I love Jacob, and he doesn't neglect me, so don't get the wrong idea. But sometimes, I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like I don't really have friends anymore. Or at least friends that I can talk to or do things with. But I do have friends. It's like I just don't remember how to plan get togethers anymore. Getting married shouldn't do that to a person. Sad day. (P.S. If you are reading this Sara K. G., I am now missing you very much. Come back to Provo and me!)

Most of all though, sometimes I just feel lost. I think it comes from being in my last year of college and my first year of marriage. The world seems like a much bigger place than I ever really thought of before, and I have to go out an face it now, as an adult. And that scares me. What if I can't find a job after graduation. What if I end up hating my chosen field. What happens when Jacob finds a job in some distant state and I move farther away from my parents than I have ever been?
Sometimes, I feel like I don't remember who I am. Like somewhere along the line I forgot what made me, me. And I don't know how to find me, because that person I lost has changed and grown. So I have to discover a new me. I don't remember how to do that. And that worries me. Shouldn't I be able to define who I am? Outside of "LDS, student, English major, editing minor, daughter, sister, wife"? I don't know what happened to me, how I lost who I was. Or maybe I never knew, and that makes it even worse.

So how do you discover yourself, re-create a person? And do so during a crazy, hectic senior year of college and first year of marriage?

I don't know yet. But I want to try. And hopefully I'll succeed. But until then, I'll keep trusting in the Lord. Because I do know one thing, He knows who I am.

Hepatitis, Bagels, and Leaves

So, in my LDS Literature class we read Pat Madden's books of essays titled Quotidiana. Now, I've never been an entirely huge fan of essays before, but I had to read the book, so I did. At first I was super annoyed at how much his essays jumped around from personal experiences to random thoughts to random facts about the objects or people he was thinking about. Not to mention the random references to his favorite band Rush. To make matters worse the essays weren't ever really conclusive about anything. However, the more I read, the more I began to understand the method to his madness, and it became even more clear when he came and talked to our class. (Pat Madden is a BYU professor and close friends with the teacher of my LDS Lit. class.) Madden said that the real way to write a good essay is to subvert the main topic. If you focus on your goal to much, your thoughts will not be free to wander in the way that will really help you organize your thoughts.
At first, this was really difficult for me to understand, but then I thought about it more. And it really does make sense. Because in every moment of our lives we are bombarded by a million different strains of thought. There really is no way to come to any conclusion if you're ignoring all of the random thoughts that direct the real direction toward a goal that you're trying to reach.
I've found that when I'm focusing too much on one thing I fail to recognize everything else around me, but every once in a while I do actually notice other things around me. For example, you may be wondering what in the world I mean by the title of this post. Well, let me explain. The other day I was reading one of Patrick Madden's essays. It was all about Hepatitis. Did you know that for a while some people thought that AIDS had resulted from an attempt to make Hepatitis A vaccines? Interesting fact, isn't it? Well, while I was learning all about Hepatitis I was also eating one delicious Asiago bagel with cream cheese and thinking about just how delicious it tasted. Strange combination of thoughts, hepatitis and bagels. And while I was thinking that strange combination I happened to look up, right at the mountain side which is currently full of leaves changing colors. Fall is coming, and it looks beautiful! What a strange combination of thoughts.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let yourself focus too much on one thing, because you'll miss out on a lot of discoveries. Let your mind wander, even if it seems like your thoughts are leading no where. And check out the beautiful changes of nature around you, because fall is wonderful!

Old Friends and Bookends

Okay, so for last, oh eight months or so I have apparently had a seriously big chip on my shoulder, or something. Because I am have been so stinking grumpy a good deal of the time and all around not pleasant to be around quite often. Awful, and horrible. And the worst thing is that I knew how stupid I was being and half the time I must not have cared and the other half of the time I could not figure out why, or how in the world to change things.
Now, I am making no promises that I am completely over this strange and most annoying phase, but today I may have been looking at things the right way. I think that one of my biggest problems has been that I've been focusing a lot of things I regret about the past. Things I wish I'd done, or done differently, or hadn't done. Things I wish other people had done differently, things I wish I'd done with my life and didn't. And so on and so forth. You'd think I would have learned by now to let the past be the past and not ruin your present and future. Apparently I hadn't.

But lately, I've been thinking a lot about the past in a better light. Mainly highschool, but today just the past and general, and mostly about old friends. I'm not entirely sure about what brought it on, but my suspicion is that all the mission homecomings and marriages have brought it on. Whatever the cause though, I'm grateful for it, because my new direction of thoughts may be just what I needed.

Because this morning while at work(btw, this is my last week working at 5am, yay!) I was thinking about things and being happy, instead of grumpy, and that's been a rare thing lately. And this morning, I realized something. Sure, there are things about my past that I wish would have been different, but all in all, I have a lot of good memories. I've had many good friends, an amazing family, and really no more challenges than the average Joe, or Jane as it may be. So today I've been recalling a lot of the good things, and wishing that I did that more. Things like card games at Kelcey's in 6th grade, lunches studying AP History with Amanda during our Jr. year, the sleepover at Marlee's when we kept seeing creepy shapes in the tree branches over the trampoline, or the day my freshmen roommates and I took pictures with the windows rolled down and our hair everywhere. I seriously could have a never ending list of happy memories if I thought long enough, but those specific memories aren't the point. The point is that as much as I've forgotten the fact over the last few months, I have had a wonderful life. Sure it may not seem exciting compared to some, but I have had a blessed life because of the people that I've associated with during it. Amazing friends, a loving family, great teachers and leaders. Sure, sometimes time can change relationships and they dissolve or end badly, but that's not really a good reason to ignore the good memories or forget how my life was changed for the better by that person.

And let me tell you, these thoughts were just what I needed. Because being in that better mood has helped me remember other fun things. Like how I've always compared songs to my life, or more often than not a book I've read. Remembering that today made me smile. I am so silly and was so silly when it comes to books. With reading so much for college, I've actually lost some of my zeal for reading for pleasure, and it's like I've lost a part of me. However, I've found a couple of really good books and series this summer that reminded me of how much joy I used to find in a good book, and it's been a great feeling. I still can't read for the long periods that I used to be able to do, but I do feel like I'm finding that part of me again.

And maybe, that part of me can help make reading for homework better this semester. It should also help that I'm finally done with the lower level classes and really got to choose my specific class topics. And I am quite excited about the classes I'm taking. Classes about Fiction Editing, American Novels, LDS Literature, American Folklore, and Edgar Allen Poe. Sound great, don't they? No wonder I'm excited.

One thing I'm not excited about is all the books I had to buy for those fun classes. If my estimates are correct I've spend somewhere around 250, and I most likely won't get it back from salebacks at the end of the semester, because I'll want to keep a lot of the books. Thank goodness for the Pell grant I'm eligible for now that I'm married! One more reason to love having Jacob in my life. :)

Our True Identity

America's Choir, The Lord's Prophet

Last night Jacob and I had the opportunity to attend the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's concert that they do each year for Pioneer Day. This year they were specifically celebrating the Choir for the pioneering they have done. I had no idea how often they were the first choir to use a new recording device or method throughout history. Apparently this year was the 100 year anniversary since the first time they were recorded. That's pretty darn awesome in my opinion. As always their music was absolutely amazing and provided a thoroughly enjoyable evening. There is so much power in music, and I'm so grateful for the wonderful choir that the church has that can provide opportunities to enjoy that power.

Although I enjoyed the music, it was also an extra special evening for me because it was the first time since I started taking my Living Prophets class that I've been to an event with President Monson present. I've always had a testimony of the prophet, but somehow just taking this class and learning more about him has made it even stronger. I love him even more as well. It was just a great feeling for me last night to feel how strong my testimony of the prophet has grown in just the few short weeks I've been in my class. I love knowing when I'm growing in the gospel, and so last night was just a great night for me all around.

I'm certainly grateful that my Grandma always makes sure we know when to put our name in for the ticket raffles!

I'd almost given up

on getting to read anymore books in the series this book started:



I started reading the Tennis Shoes Adventure series forever ago. There are currently ten books in the series and I own every single one. I would impatiently wait for the next one to come out, and then read it as soon as possible. They were a common birthday or Christmas present from my parents or grandparents.
And then, Heimerdinger got to busy with the Passage to Zarahemla movie. And it seemed that he forgot all about the Tennis Shoes series. I was quite unhappy about it. Usually the next book would take a year or two to come out. Well, it's been five years, and I hadn't heard anything about the next book. On a whim the other day I decided to look it up and see if there are any news on a new book. I knew there was supposed to be one, because of how the tenth one ended, so I thought it might be worth a look. And it was!! I was so excited to see that the script for book eleven is with the publishers. And it will most likely be available in September! Woohoo!

I know most of you probably don't care, but I'm super excited. Thanks for letting me share that excitement with you.

Finally presenting...The Wedding!!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to this, I was waiting for my mom to be able to pick up my pics and get them to us. But we have them now, so here you go.

Jacob and I were married at 10:45 in the Bountiful Temple on April 30, 2010. Jacob wanted it to hail that day, but I wanted the weather to be nice. As it happened we got rain and snow that day...but not until after we got all our pictures taken, so we both got half our wish. It was really cold while we took pictures, but they turned out great, so I won't complain too much.We were so happy to have so many family and friends there to support us. It was a beautiful ceremony and Brother Knighton(our sealer and a family friend) gave us some great advice and counsel. I am so grateful to be sealed to Jacob for eternity and for all the love we receive from both of our families.

Anyway, I don't think you really need a lot of explanation, so I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves. (Thanks again to Amanda Campbell-Campbell Photography for doing such a great job as our photographer)
P.S. My blogger is being stupid about adding pictures, and I need to get to sleep since I work in 8 hours...so I'll try and get some more up later and I'll put some on facebook.

Continue to stay tuned...and life.

I promise promise promise I WILL blog about the wedding and the following activities, I'm waiting to get my pictures back. But then I'll get a move on, I promise.

For now, I'll just talk a little bit about life as a wife(yes, I rhymed on purpose).

First of all, Jacob is an amazing husband(I didn't doubt that would be the case). He takes such good care of me, and does little things for me, like grabbing all the things I need before I go to sleep. He's patient with my crazy work/sleep schedule, and never complains when my alarm clock wakes him up at 4:20. It's annoying to have such a different sleep schedule, but we're making it work.

Second, it's really weird not being constantly busy with school. And we love it. Although I get bored really easily, it's still nice to just sit at home all day. Sometimes I feel really bad for not getting anything accomplished, but usually I feel like I deserve the break. :)

One thing I really want to be better at is cooking. We've been trying to find some good recipes we want to try or get better at making, and tonight we found a great one. (It helps that I was given about 6 or 7 cookbooks) You may have heard of cabbage rolls...these were kind of like that. Except they were Cabbage Crescent Rolls. So instead of trying to wrap the meat in the cabbage, we cooked both together and then wrapped them in the crescent rolls you can buy. The recipe is BIG. At least for two people. I halved it and we are both super full, and there is enough for dinner another night. Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this at all is because I'm just happy that it was such a success.

Also, my family(the Doug Hirschi family) had our first reunion this summer. I guess you would call it that at least. My parents paid for us all to stay at a cabin at a Camperworld up by Heber City. It was smaller than we all expected, and that was a little annoying, but we still had fun and I'm glad we've started that tradition. I can hardly believe that the family has gone from 5 to 8 already, but I'm certainly glad for Matt, Evelyn, and Jacob. And we were also happy to have David's friend Sheridan spend some time up there with us as well.

We also enjoyed Memorial Day this last Monday. Our day included breakfast and cemetery visit in Herriman at 9, lunch at a park in the Draper area at 12 along with a shower for Jacob's sister Sarah, and then making it back to Provo in time for Jacob to work at 4. It was a busy but fun day.

Anyway, over all, being married is an adjustment, but for the most part it's been easy, and we're both pretty happy.

Stay Tuned

I promise I will post an actual entry with pictures and descriptions of wedding, honeymoon, and new apartment as soon as I have time. For now, know that Jacob and I had a wonderful wedding day, a fantastic honeymoon, and we are working on settling into our new apartment which we love already.

Life is amazing

Yesterday I went through the temple. What an amazing and beautiful experience. I know it will be a long time before I full understand what is done there, but I'm glad I've finally been able to begin the experience for myself.

In 5 days, I am getting married to the person I love more than anybody else in the world.

How could life be any better than it is?

I survived

The most stressful semester of my life! And it feels so fantastic!

Now I just have to pack, and move stuff, and go through the temple, then get married, go to Seattle, and then move everything again.

But I am so excited.

Counting

4 more finals

4 more days with my roommates

1 more cleaning check

8 more days at work

2 more weeks

That's all I have to survive. And then

2 people will be 1

April 30th better hurry up, I'm getting extremely impatient.

Three weeks.

Enough said.

This month

I have lots and lots of papers and projects I have to do for school. But then . . .

I am going through the temple!

I am getting married!

I am going to Seattle for my honeymoon!

I just have to survive the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..

Okay, that's not quite true. Yesterday was crazy busy and I still had some very very stressful moments. But, over all. Yesterday was a great day!

First of all, I got to spend the morning with my family. Breakfast was just the original 5 Hirschis. And we had a blast. Now don't get me wrong. I love Jacob and Matt, and missed them. But it was still fun.

Second, I finally got to see Brian!!! He got home from his mission at the beginning of February, and I still hadn't seen him yet. It was fantastic. Also, he and Jacob finally met each other. That was fun for me.

Third. My Grandma and my aunts threw me a fantastic bridal shower. It was great to feel the love and support from family members. And it was also great to get some awesome presents!

Then, I went and got my bridals done. Amanda did a fantastic job! Especially with all the help from Blake. And I am super excited to see how they turned out. My parents also came to help and they are just fantastic. It ended up being a lot of fun, even though I was freezing cold!

So yeah, yesterday was great. I love life. Sometimes I let myself forget that fact, but today, I remember it.